Saturday, December 12, 2009

Mayne Street!

I like this episode because two of the actors are not actors. One is our awesome intern, Aaron. And another is director/producer Josh Shelov.
When we cut corners, we do it right.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Sammy's Impressions

I can't remember if I've posted this video before, but this dude was so talented. I love watching this and getting inspired to perform.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Today is Maddie's birthday. She would have been two years old.

You can read all about her here.

Please donate to the March of Dimes in her memory.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Monday, November 2, 2009

A Pic Good Enough for My Flickr, My Blog, AND My Twitter

O man! I can't tell what I love most about this sign.

Is the the unnecessary quotation marks? ("Illegal" implies that it's actually legal.)

Or maybe it's the image that it conjures....of a horrible, unspeakable incident involving Silly String. Dear God, what HAPPENED last year?

Friday, October 23, 2009


This is unbelievable.

It saddens me how people think they can treat animals. It saddens me that the people in this situation thought they were in the right. It saddens me that CNN reported that "it is unclear what caused the bear to attack."

Unclear?? Maybe it had something to do with the fact that the bear was taken from his natural habitat and forced to wear fucking ice skates. 

Just a guess. 

And also, HE'S A BEAR.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


CNN said that Mattel is introducing new Barbie dolls. 

"Grace, Kara and Trichelle were created to fill a void for young black girls who for so long have been playing with dolls that don't look like them."

Yeah, because when I look at the white Barbie, I think, "Wow! She looks JUST like me!"

Monday, October 19, 2009

Don't Let Mechanics Drive All Over You

If you don't own a car, I love you.

But if you have to own a car, here are some tips on how not to get scammed by a mechanic.

1. Know your shit. (I took a one day class on basic car mechanics through a local community college. So now when I go to the mechanic, I still have no idea what's going on, but at least I can drop fancy terms ala Marisa Tomei in MCV.)
2. Research. If Danny McGreaser tells you that you need a new crank sensor, look up how much that should cost before committing to anything. Wikipedia, kids.
3. Ask for a discount. You'd be surprised what asking can do. Most places will offer at least 10% off with no hesitation.
4. Don't bring your man. Some girls think this makes them less likely to get taken advantage of. But no mechanic wants to be emasculated in front of another dude. And you WILL emasculate him.
5. Wear jeans. If you wear your slutty miniskirt, they won't take you seriously, and you'll get scammed even more.
6. Wear a push-up bra. I mean, c'mon, I'm not an idiot.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Princess and the Eco-Pea

Let's talk mattresses!

If you're looking to buy a new one, you should research the most eco-friendly options.

Firstly, do you need a new mattress? Even if your old one wasn't built from sustainable materials, keeping it may be less wasteful than buying a new, eco-friendly version.

But if you're absolutely ready for a new one, there are sustainable mattresses available. When I bought my new mattress, I visited a factory to see exactly how eco-friendly mattresses were made (I'm nuts; I know). I tried out quite a few, at varying levels of comfort and sustainability, but many that I tried were upwards of $2000, so I finally found a less expensive option.

For the same price as a traditional mattress, I bought a Keetsa mattress. They are free from the toxins, formaldehyde, and pesticides that are present in mainstream mattresses (Who wants to sleep on pesticides?), and their production has a minimal effect on the environment. They are reasonably priced, and they arrive at your door in about two days.

Plus, they are so so comfy!

So if you're looking for new sleeping digs, check them out:

Thursday, October 1, 2009


Thanks, Josh(ua) Treece! You nailed it.

My blog is back to normal.



WTF? I picked a new template and it moved my sidebar to the bottom of the page. HELP ME, NERDS!!!!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I'm not a fan of fear mongering, but this scares the crap out of me.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Goodbye, Willie

William Safire died today.

The headline that revealed this news to me prompted a heartfelt, audible gasp.

William Safire's regular contributions to The New York Times Magazine's "On Language" section were always a treat for someone interested in language, grammar, etymology, or the general progression of cultural phenomena.

What's strange, however, is that the article made only a brief mention of that widely popular language column. Instead, it focused on Safire the way may parents' generation might remember him: for his speechwriting for Nixon, his criticism of Hillary Clinton, and his political contributions in the 70s.

But I think my generation knows Safire differently. He was a conservative, yes, but I think if you asked any well-read 20-something or 30-something about William Safire, they would know him as "that dude who writes that column on language and stuff." (Except they would, of course, say it more eloquently).

Safire's unique, intelligent, and stimulating observations on the English language examined etymology in the most immediate sense - as it was happening. It's a shame that the article made such little mention of Safire's most scholarly - and nonpolitical - contributions.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Friday, September 25, 2009

I Already Hate Myself

Yay, for Energy Conservation!

Watching Megan Fox on Fallon right now.

She just said, "'Cause I, like, ya know, keep all the lights on all the time."

Thanks, Megan.


In the midst of Emmy week, there was at least one event with an eye on Eco-goodness.

I was lucky enough to go to the Eco-Emmys last week, and I was happy as pie in a flotilla of eco-minded friends.

I chatted with the owner of RC Green about sustainable countertops (guys, consider quartz instead of granite!), the people from LifeSource about eco-friendly home water filtration (old school water softeners leave too much salt waste!), and, of course, I got my eyebrows threaded by Marco Ochoa (even eco-girls gotta look good!)

We do what we can in our everyday lives, but when companies who create products for hundreds - or thousands - of consumers take the initiative to create eco-friendly products, it's pretty awesome. Plus, they're smart, because archaic, wasteful products are only becoming more and more outdated.

Thanks to the Eco-Emmys for having me. It was a super fun event. And I will take 20 more of those vegan chocolate cupcakes from Luscious, please.

"Hot chick from the newspaper"

My character on Parks and Rec was referenced in tonight's episode.

Does that mean I get residuals?


Best Heckler Ever

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Girls Are Funny, Especially Drunk

Why does this Drunk History have so many fewer views than the other ones? It is by far the funniest one.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

For the Kids

I'm hosting CAREOKE for the Kids again at Irving Plaza to raise money for the Valerie Fund. It's TONIGHT (Thursday) in NYC. For tickets, please email me at abecker99 (at) hotmail, and I'll put you in touch with the right peeps.


Monday, September 7, 2009

Trailer for an Improv Movie That I'm In!

Starring (among others) Horatio Sanz, Rob Riggle, Owen Burke, John Gemberling, Matt Walsh, Jack Helmuth, Jackie Clarke, Rob Huebel, Bret Gelman, and more.

Better Than a Cosmo Quiz


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Michael Vick is Scum

The Philadelphia Eagles made an irresponsible decision. Michael Vick's torture of animals should not be excused. Please join the boycott of Eagles games and merchandise.

Sunday, August 30, 2009


I think MJ has possessed Debra Messing!

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Devil


It's effing hot out. Drink some water.

If you don't, you'll wind up fucking up an otherwise hilarious scene that you're shooting because your body temperature will suddenly sky rocket, your vision will go blurry, your hearing will sound weird, and you will have to get on all fours to prevent yourself from passing out. This happened to me today. Kinda scary. Not fun.

Skipping breakfast was probably not a good idea, either.
But how else am I supposed to stay skinny???

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Shut Your Mouths, Ladies

If you bitched too much in the 40's, they cut out your brain.

With the death of Ted Kennedy, I've been reading about the Kennedy family history online. For some reason, I am fascinated and horrified by the archaic medical procedures that lived in our country's history...leeches, lobotomies, phrenology, hypnosis, etc. I could read stories for days about young women who were subjected to shocks, magnets, or exorcisms. It intrigues, fascinates, and frustrates me how many of these women today would perhpas be seen as artists or geniuses. Or at the very least, they would be helped with therapy, and perhaps pharmaceuticals.

In any case, there's some crazy shit that used to go down.

Here's an excerpt of the Wikipedia article on Rosemary Kennedy, one of the sisters of the Kennedy clan. (There were, in all, nine siblings).

"In 1941, when Rosemary Kennedy was 23, her father was told by her doctors that a cutting edge procedure would help calm her "mood swings that the family found difficult to handle at home". Her father, Joe Kennedy, gave permission for the procedure to be performed...The procedure in question was a lobotomy.
At the time, only sixty-five lobotomies had been performed. The procedure was described as follows:
"We went through the top of the head, I [Dr. Watts] think she was awake. She had a mild tranquilizer. I made a surgical incision in the brain through the skull. It was near the front. It was on both sides. We just made a small incision, no more than an inch." The instrument Dr. Watts used looked like a butter knife. He swung it up and down to cut brain tissue. "We put an instrument inside," he said. As Dr. Watts cut, Dr. Freeman put questions to Rosemary. For example, he asked her to recite the Lord's Prayer or sing "God Bless America" or count backwards. ... "We made an estimate on how far to cut based on how she responded." ... When she began to become incoherent, they stopped.
Instead of producing the hoped-for result, however, the lobotomy reduced Rosemary to an infantile mentality that left her incontinent and staring blankly at walls for hours. Her verbal skills were reduced to unintelligible babble. Her mother remarked that although the lobotomy stopped her daughter's violent behavior, it left her completely incapacitated.

And Now, A Dramatic Reading From Section 1233 of H.R. 3200

‘‘Advance Care Planning Consultation
‘‘(hhh)(1) Subject to paragraphs (3) and (4), the
term ‘advance care planning consultation’ means a con-
sultation between the individual and a practitioner de-
scribed in paragraph (2) regarding advance care planning,
if, subject to paragraph (3), the individual involved has
not had such a consultation within the last 5 years. Such
consultation shall include the following:
‘‘(A) An explanation by the practitioner of ad-
vance care planning, including key questions and
considerations, important steps, and suggested peo-
ple to talk to.
‘‘(B) An explanation by the practitioner of ad-
vance directives, including living wills and durable
powers of attorney, and their uses.
‘‘(C) An explanation by the practitioner of the
role and responsibilities of a health care proxy.
‘‘(D) The provision by the practitioner of a list
of national and State-specific resources to assist con-
sumers and their families with advance care plan-
ning, including the national toll-free hotline, the ad-
vance care planning clearinghouses, and State legal
service organizations (including those funded
through the Older Americans Act of 1965).
‘‘(E) An explanation by the practitioner of the
continuum of end-of-life services and supports avail-
able, including palliative care and hospice, and bene-
fits for such services and supports that are available
under this title.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

You Want to Have Sex with My Friend Dave

It's ok. A lot of people do.

Dave Navarro is having me on his radio show again as a guest. Listen here from 10pm to midnight PST. We'll talk about politics, love, and you. Call in!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Kenny, Jimmy and I will make a comedy explosion onto your face. AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Literary Death Match

Do you love literary readings, but hate standing in a crowded Barnes and Noble next to a guy who smells like feet?

Then check out the Literary Death Match. Smart, funny writer types compete in an all out battle!

The next one is tomorrow night here in LA. And I'll be a judge! For more info, and to buy tickets, go here.

I promise to be nice and loopy, too, from sleep deprivation. I've been super busy this week shooting a pilot for Comedy Central called Midwest Teen Sex Show, based on the super popular web shorts. Yay for sex and comedy!

Sunday, August 9, 2009


I hope these teachers are not teaching how to form the possessive of Los Angeles.

Friday, August 7, 2009


We just wrapped on this stretch of Mayne Street episodes. It was an amazing time, as usual. Everyone who works on this project is a top notch person. For real.

I can't wait until the new episodes are online so we can all get our comedy hard-ons.

In the meantime, here's a pic of me, Kenny, Ben and Aubrey.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

He Did It!

So psyched that these girls are home. Way to go, Clinton!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Happy Birthday, Mr. President!

It's 11:29pm here in California. Phew! I just made it.....Happy Birthday!

I was out shooting Mayne Street.

That's right; we're doing a round of episodes from here in LA. You will love them. PROMISE.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Management

You guys know how I feel about Hummers (the vehicles, not the blowjobs).

My latest personal amusement is leaving notes on theses energy-suckers in parking garages when they are parked in the compact car spots. You know - the spaces that clearly say COMPACT on them.

I leave an official looking note from "The Management" telling them that they will be cited if seen parking again in a spot meant for small cars.

I'm sure they just toss it, but maybe I should disguise it as an Ed Hardy coupon, a free shitty techno CD, or a complimentary ticket to a strip club. That'll get their attention.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

False Pretenses

Dear New Citizens,

Welcome to the US of A!

I've got some bad news. Swearing you in at Disney World may have given you a false illusion of our country. Turns out, our streets are much dirtier, there are no giant talking mice who wear white gloves, and our President is not animatronic.

Spaceships do not fly on indoor roller coasters, Cinderella does not live in a castle, and ice cream vendors do no sing or dance.

However, the overweight people waiting to buy the ice cream? The ones who cut in line and are talking too loud on their cellphones? The ones who have their kids on leashes? That's a pretty accurate depiction.


Monday, July 20, 2009


But drivers UNDER 18 can text and talk and Facebook and email while driving?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Bummer. I did not find a child in this dryer.

One thing I absolutely love about LA is having a washer and dryer in my apartment. I try not to overuse them, for the environment's sake, but after 8 years of shared machines in New York, it sure is nifty to be able to wash my sheets wearing underwear and slippers. Back in New York City, you only have a washer and dryer in your apartment if you're rich. Or, if you're sleeping with someone rich.

But I had to hit the coin laundry place today to wash a large rug that doesn't fit in the home machines (and fuck if I'm paying someone $50 when I can do it myself for 12 quarters).

I saw this sign on the dryer and crossed my fingers for a shiny new pet.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Where We Were..

....when we learned that Michael Jackson died.

Me? In a Starbucks on Beverly Boulevard in LA.

So sad. My first crush. For real.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Bad idea

If you're great with computers, get a vanity plate that says "PC WIZ." If you're great with Math, get "MATHWIZ." But if you're great with dogs, maybe "WOOF" is your best bet.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Noon Madness

When I was a kid, one of my favorite movies was Midnight Madness. It was a about a crazy scavenger hunt. Since then, I have loved scavenger hunts and large scale games.

My senior year of college, my friend and I competed in a scavenger hunt that took place throughout the campus of Georgetown. The way to acquire the highest amount of points was to get a near-impossible photo taken with Westy Bird (a local politician who - for some reason or another - had some bad blood with Georgetown students). We did one better. We actually BROUGHT Westy Bird with us to the finish line. It was awesome. (Two notes about this - 1. Westy turned out to be a nice lady. And 2. Geiger, if you're reading this, you still owe me one of those round trip airline tickets that we won. You son of a bitch.)

In any case, I'm a sucker for a good game.

This past New Year's, I went to Miami with a group of friends for a fun party. The following day, we were hungover and had no plans, so I suggested throwing together a scavenger hunt. Next thing we knew, boys were walking through the hotel lobby in bikinis, penthouses occupied by strangers were being visited, and pies were being thrown in people's faces, all for the sake of Victory.

This weekend, I asked some friends to participate in LARF, a large scale competitive game that takes you through the city of Los Angeles - on foot - in a fast-paced race of speed and smarts. It was SO FUN. We cracked codes, got clues from strangers, and had such an amazing time. If you are visiting LA, or if you live here, I highly recommend trying this out!

And yes, we won. We also set a new record. NBD.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009



The FDA announced that consumers should stop using one of my favorite products, the over-the-counter cold remedy Zicam, because it can cause a loss of smell in some people.

Guess who's a little skeptical?


I've used Zicam every time I've started to notice a cold coming on. And every time, it has made the cold go away within a day or two. As for this chick, she doesn't seem to be too informed on how to even use the product. You're not supposed to swab "a few times." With homeopathic remedies, you must treat early and regularly. You're also not supposed to shove it up your nasal cavity. You're supposed to just touch it to the slightest inner part of your nose. Read the directions.

While we must be VERY wary of herbal remedies (because they are not regulated), this particular "scare" reeks of interference from some big pharmaceutical companies who were probably losing money on the chemical-rich "remedies" they are manufacturing.

Of course, maybe they can't smell the rat. But I could. And I use Zicam!

Have you guys used it? Have you had any bad side effects? Let's discuss.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Mayne Street, Behind the Scenes

Yep, they let us keep the flip cameras.


No biggie.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


This sign makes no sense. The word "notorious" means that something (or someone) is famous or well known. Therefore, you cannot "introduce" something to the public when it is already "notorious."

Mayne Street Season Two Premieres Today!

Unlike comedy websites that show funny videos, ESPN is like the 80th most visited website in the entire world (pretty impressive), and Mayne Street is on the HOME PAGE. So thanks to all the frat boys for the traffic. We love you!

(And yes, that is Alex at 1:51).

Monday, June 8, 2009

I Took This Quote Directly From Today

Cut and pasted:

"Nutritionists say a set of awesome abs takes more than just doing sit-ups. "New research shows that what you are eating may be just as important as your workout," says Katherine Tallmadge, author of "Diet Simple" and a spokeswoman for the American Dietetic Association."

REALLY??? NEW research shows that you need to eat healthy to be in shape? NEW RESEARCH? What the fuck did the old research say?


Big Day

The second season of the Emmy-nominated webseries Mayne Street premieres tomorrow, June 9th!

That's also the day that Kenny gets his ankle surgery, so make sure you Twitter him - or whatever you kids do - and wish him luck.

Was I supposed to tell everyone that he's getting surgery? Maybe that's a bad idea. But I'll only suffer the consequences if Kenny has a Google alert set up for himself.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Alcohol! Number One! Drug Killer Troublemaker!

Evidently, alcohol also renders you incapable of composing real sentences.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Two Recommendations

1 - If you're in LA, you must check out Point Break Live! If you've never seen the movie Point Break, stop reading this and go hit yourself in the face 300 times. Because you're an idiot.

If you HAVE seen the movie Point Break, check out this show. It's exactly what you think it is....the movie Point Break, but live. In an homage to Keanu's unparalleled acting skills, Johnny Utah is portrayed by a different audience member every night.

I went with 10 of my friends last Friday, and to our surprise, Gary Busey was attending that same evening. He shot us all with a super soaker as we laughed, but also silently feared that he might snap, and start throwing live grenades into our beers.

2- Unrelated, but if you can still find the movie Obsessed in theaters, do not miss out. It will knock your socks off. I shamelessly enjoy this genre of movies: bad thrillers aimed at a female audience. (Hand that Rocks the Cradle, Sleeping with the Enemy, Red Eye, etc). The cinematic formula of the lady-thriller does not disappoint. Awful, and awesome, all at once.

Seriously, guys. Obsessed? Total awesomeness.

I was worried that the irony would fly right over the heads of Los Angeles movie goers, but after the first giggle from the audience, we all knew we were on board.


Sunday, May 24, 2009


Joan Rivers is one of the nicest people to work with. She's professional, generous and hilarious. Here are three things she once told me that stuck with me:

"You'll do fine. You're a woman in comedy."

"It's lonely on the road. That's different for a man."

"The smartest thing I ever did was wait until I hit to get married."

After that last one, she gave me a box of this.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Road Trip

Last week I drove across the country. I'm not one for cars in general, but since I bought my very first car THIS YEAR, I figured my carbon footprint has been small enough to warrant me enough credits to take a road trip or two.

And it was so fun! We saw the Natural Bridge in Virginia, line danced in Nashville, went to Graceland, saw an old friend in Santa Fe, walked into the Grand Canyon, stopped along historic Route 66, and ate lots and lots of unhealthy food. We even visited Harley and Annabelle in Oklahoma, who offered us a beer, gave us life advice, and asked us to take a photo with them in their bed.

If you're planning on doing the trip anytime, I highly recommend
Whenever you're in the mood to see something random, just type in the town you're in, and a few options will come up. Unlike a lot of other sites (ahem, Blogspot), this one is flawless on a Blackberry.

Overall, it was an awesome time.
Here's a convo from our trip:

Me: The news said there's a tornado warning in effect.

Alex: I'm sure there's not going to be a tornado.

Me: But look how windy it is!

Alex: Don't worry. There's NOT going to be a tornado.

Me: Are you sure?

Alex: Yes.


Alex: Oh shit.

Me: What?

Alex: A Tornado Chaser van just pulled up next to us.

Monday, May 18, 2009


I always wondered where I'd be during my first earthquake. When I moved to LA, I inspected my new apartment to keep tabs on any pictures, frames, or vases that could possibly fall and hurt Dignan. I pictured it happening in the middle of the night, waking me up with confusion and fear.

I openly hoped it'd be a little one, so I would know that my dog would be safe.
I secretly hoped it'd be a big one, so people would get scared, leave California, and I could buy a house in Los Feliz immediately after for dirt cheap.

Yesterday, I was at my friend Juliet's house after we got back from a super fun barbeque in Venice. We were watching a rerun of Top Model and reading one of those books that tells you about the type of person you are based on your birthday (I'm a "nonconformist").

All of a sudden, the window started to shake. At first, I thought a garbage truck was driving by. My friend jumped up and yelled, "Oh my God!" I thought maybe she had dropped her phone, or realized that she had forgotten to mail her rent check. But, by the time she said "Oh My God" again the sound had gotten really loud, and I realized "THAT IS NOT A GARBAGE TRUCK. HOLY SHIT. THIS IS A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE."

What was funny was how Juliet and I reacted in the same way. We both kept saying "Oh My God" as we slowly walked towards each other, clasped hands, walked to a doorway, and sat on the floor. All the while looking at each other, half freaking out, and half laughing.

I was so glad I was with a friend at that moment. It was a straight up 5.0. Not devastating at all, but substantial enough for a first timer. And honestly, kind of fun.

Wowsers. Welcome to LA!

Tell me about your first time....

Thursday, May 7, 2009

My Secret

For some reason, I own a book called "SAT Math." I did not own it in high school. This is something I bought recently.

When I'm alone, I read it and remember how much I used to like right triangles and line segments.

I feel guilty and ashamed, and I just had to tell someone.

Dignan Stole My Camera And Made A Ransom Video For My Friend

Nice to Meet You. My Name is Dr. Giggles.

Super fun.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Eddie Van Halen and Mark Slaughter

My friend just sent me this convo she had at the grocery store. She was wearing a Bon Jovi shirt:

Cashier: Wow, Bon Jovi

Me: Yeah

Cashier: I had a friend who loved the guy from that band... what was his name?...

Me: Richie Sambora?

Cashier: No ... um..........................................................

Me: Jon Bon Jovi?

Cashier: Yes! That's his name!

Me: (blank stare)

Sunday, May 3, 2009


What the Fuck is Going On?

I thought this was a joke when I saw it.

It is not.

Jerry O'Connell, do you need to borrow some money, bro?

Friday, May 1, 2009


Just to clarify, your chances of getting the Swine Flu are currently about 1 in 2,220,119. Also, every American who has gotten it has lived.


Mayne Man

Guys! For those of you who care, we are shooting a second "season" of the Emmy-nominated (for real) ESPN web series, Mayne Street. I think they're going to be rolled out at the end of this month.

I'm psyched with the response from this show. I can't believe how many people have come up to me on the street and said how much they love this web series!

Thanks so much for watching!

Check out old Mayne Streets here.

(This shameless promotion has nothing to do with the fact that ESPN just gave the whole cast free HD Flip Cameras. Well, maybe a little.....)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


I love this photo. But I'm pretty sure he's not watching "My Bloody Valentine: 3-D"

Monday, April 27, 2009


I looked it up, and that last post should have read "thumbs down," not "thumb's down," at least according to the Dictionary application on my Mac.

I'm reposting rather than editing because I thought you guys should know. That's weird, right? I would have thought it was "thumb's down," as in "thumb is down" or even "the down of the thumb."

But, what do I know? It's 3am and I've been on a plane for 6 hours. Me sleepy.

Continental Airlines Is the Worst Airline to Fly When You Are Traveling with a Pet. They Really Need to Get Their Shit Together.

Post title says it all.

Dignan gives Continental a big thumb's down.

Except he doesn't have thumbs.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Do It.

Watch me on Parks and Recreation TONIGHT!

8:30 on NBC.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


Photo from after Dark Matter last night.

Now, let's discuss Twitter. Yay, or nay? Please share.


Thanks so much to Dave, Todd, and Jess for having me on their radio show, Dark Matter. We talked about love, tea parties, politics, and gay people.

Super fun.

Thanks, Dave, and thanks to everyone who listened!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Parks and Recreation

Sorry, dudes. Looks like they pushed my episode back a week, so I won't be on tomorrow.

You'll have to wait 7 more days!

One More Thing

Read what Heather says about her wonderful little girl.

And also, here's a little taste of Maddie for you:

The Tribute to Our Madeline from Mike and Heather on Vimeo.

Now, head on over to


Considering the awesomeness of my friend Heather, it doesn't surprise me that she received so much attention blogging about her beautiful little girl Maddie.

Nor does it surprise me the amount of press (like this ) her story has received since Maddie's passing.

Maddie's memory has been honored by so many who loved her (and so many who never even knew her) through donations to the March of Dimes.

You can donate here.

And here is some more coverage of their story:

The Washington Post
Huffington Post

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Listen Up

My friend Dave Navarro has a radio show. This Wednesday evening, I will be a guest on his program.

Listen here Wednesday from 10pm-12am, or I'll have him beat you up.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Residual Paparazzi

I'm sure this paparazzi shot was targeting Amy, but I will gladly take the residual stalkering.

Perhaps I would get stalkers of my own if I stopped wearing a GIANT ugly coat between takes.

What do you want from me? It was cold out.

Friday, April 10, 2009


I just got a callback for a stool softener commercial.

What an awesome day.

Thursday, April 9, 2009


As I wrote below, a few days ago, a darling little girl passed away.

I still can't quite wrap my head around this. I've been walking around in a daze, alternating between tears and disbelief.

And after I think about the devastation of losing such a perfect little person like Maddie, I wonder how her parents could ever possibly live life again.

But then I realize that they will because that is who they are.

It won't happen this month, or maybe even this year. But they will smile and laugh again one day, and they will carry on because they are two of the most amazing people I've ever met.

But what pisses me off is that one day, they'll be at the grocery store, or in line at the movies, and maybe they'll be taking a little too long because they can't find their wallet. And maybe some douchebag in line behind them will say, "Can you hurry the fuck up?"

And if I were an omniscient being watching that from above, I would want to take that douchebag in line, grab him by his throat, and hurl him up against the wall. And I would get right up in his face and say, "Those people lost their little girl. THEY LOST THEIR LITTLE GIRL. So, while you're waiting an extra 2 seconds for your goddamn Sour Patch Kids, I want you to just TRY and imagine what it would be like to create a perfect little girl that you love more than life itself, and then lose her. Just TRY to imagine that."

My point is, Heather and Mike are the two people that I know who are going through the worst tragedy one could imagine. And there are other people out there who have dealt with similar tragedies. But we might not know this when we come across them in our daily lives. When they take too long in the check out line, when they grab the last towel at the gym, or when they accidentally spill a coffee on your shoe.

So the next time we find ourselves too eager to be the douchebag, we might want to consider the fact that we have no idea where other people are coming from.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


I just received some terrible news. Today, my friends Heather and Mike lost their little girl, Maddie.

I can't begin to explain how cute this little girl was, how she was always smiling, or how Heather and Mike are the two nicest, funniest, smartest, best parents/friends/people you could ever meet.

If you're not one of the bazillion people who reads Heather's blog , you should know that she is nothing short of awesome, and I can't quite wrap my head around why this is happening. I just saw them less than 2 weeks ago and Maddie was blowing kisses and laughing. There is a dull cloud of shock hanging overhead. I can't believe this is real, and I can't stop crying, and thinking about what Heather and Mike must be feeling.

Please, take a moment to send your prayers their way. And please make a donation to The March of Dimes in Madeline Alice Spohr's name.

Friday, April 3, 2009


Suck on THIS, dudes!

One interesting fact: The older the father, the lower the IQ of the child. There's no difference with the age of the mother.

Set your mother-effing biological clocks, dudes.

So Would I, Dude. SO WOULD I.

You should try living off of a rich boyfriend! It seems to work for a lot of LA ladies.

Thursday, April 2, 2009


Moving from New York City to LA opens up a whole new world of domestic pleasures...and challenges.

New Yorkers do not drive cars. We do not make massive grocery store trips. We do not tend to cook much at home (except for pasta and tacos - two things that even an idiot can prepare).

In New York, it's about efficiency, speed and convenience. In LA, it's about taking your time.

In changing my way of thinking, I have experienced many moments of frustration and exasperation. I have also, however, felt like a grown up for the first time. That's probably because I have found myself doing things that I last experienced when I saw my parents do them.

For example, unloading groceries from a car, waking up to the smell of fresh-cut grass, loading a dishwasher, unloading a dishwasher, doing laundry in my own home, buying produce, etc.

But, at the same time, I often find myself in embarrassing situations. You see, as a New Yorker, you may not learn simple things that a young suburban person might.

I struggled with the coffee grinding machine at Ralph's today for a good 20 minutes. I didn't want to ask for help, for fear that a 14 year old would laugh at me.

So now, I'm drinking a cup of coffee that I'm pretty sure could be a hell of a lot better.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


I bought my first car. Insane. Since I can't afford a shiny new one right now (and since I'm secretly waiting for the new electric models to be rolled out in two years), I bought my friend's old car from him.

It runs fine, gets good gas mileage, and has manual locks and windows. I love that it's not an expensive asshole-mobile.

Now comes the important part. Suppose I get vanity plates. What should they say?

Some thoughts, inspired by my limited time driving in Los Angeles:

Any more suggestions?

Monday, March 23, 2009

Let's Do It!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Goodbye, Hello

Perhaps Conan is following me. Who knows. But, he's moving to LA and it's very exciting. I was psyhced that I got to do one last (tiny) appearance in one of Conan's last New York tapings.

Here it is. I'm there for a second, so do not look away.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Part of the Solution

Here's a small do-good task for your Tuesday afternoon:

Research your local recycling program. It will take only a minute, and I garantee you'll be surprised at what you can (and can't) recycle.

I did this in New York a few years ago, and learned, for example, that I could recycle clean alumimun foil, but I couldn't recycle plastic yogurt containers. Who knew?

Obviously, recycling helps us all. And making sure you're recycling the right materials (in the proper manner) saves the city time and money.

Since I just moved to Los Angeles, I went on the city's website to see their recycling guidelines. I learned that I can recycle plastic bags, but not light bulbs.

Each city is different. Check it out! And once you've done that, your good deed is done for the day. So, you can go slash someone's tires, and your karma will still be unscathed!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Oh. Great.

What a dilemma.

I'm not quite sure what to do. It seems that I have found myself in what's known as a "happy place."

I found a great apartment to live in, and I just booked a part on Amy Poehler's new show, Parks and Recreation. I've been shooting all week, and it's pretty much the definition of Super Fun.

So, what am supposed to do with all of this sarcasm and jadedness I've still got in my pocket?

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Can Someone Remind Me Why I Moved Here?

Los Angeles just might be the worst laid-out city in America.

It tries to accommodate the population of a city into a sprawling suburbia. This doesn't work.

If you want to be a city, you need to be a city. There needs to be accessible and safe public transportation and more places to walk.

All of these cars trying to fit into too few parking spaces doesn't work. It's almost comical how poorly planned this city is.

The worst part is, in the twenties, LA was on its way to becoming a functioning city. But then General Motors bought out the entire electric street car system in the Great Street Car Conspiracy so that people would have to buy cars. It worked...for the company at the time. But in the end, we all lost.

This is a tragedy not just for environmental reasons. But because it makes LA a really shitty place to live. If they could move people around the way they do in New York, Chicago, London, Paris, or anywhere in Europe, this place could really be great. Instead, it's inconvenient and massive amounts of time are wasted every day trying to find parking. Not to mention the damage to our environment, and even to our own well beings, given the lack of human interaction and the dangers of driving.

Guess what, guys? I miss New York.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Last Waltz

I just performed in my last show at UCB New York. (tear)

It's off to LA now!

Monday, February 9, 2009


I've noticed that over the past year or so, I've been getting more and more blog readers. I'm judging this solely on the rising number of comments you guys are posting.


This worries me, though, because I'm not sure anything I write is worth reading.

In any case, I've narrowed down the potential reasons why more people are reading my blog.

Here they are:

-A growing number of people like me.
-A growing number of people hate me.
-More people have free time, due to unemployment.
-You're still confusing me with Alison Becker, the chef.

Chris Brown

I'm sure you've heard, but I don't believe the charges.

The guy doesn't even drink, and he's too smart for domestic violence. I'm positive these charges will be dropped.

Plus, why would you hit someone when you could just DANCE THEIR FACE OFF?

The Future

I had lunch the other day with the super rad Ann Shoket, editor-in-chief of Seventeen magazine. This touched on a childhood fantasy of mine, sInce I was obsessed with Seventeen when I was in junior high.

But I really want to give props to the Hearst Tower, New York City's most environmentally friendly building to date. It's amazing, and it boasts eco-friendly aspects from soup to nuts, including a rainwater waterfall that cools the lobby. Pretty awesome.

Oh, and guess which floor Seventeen is on.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Superbowl Recap for Girls

The red team lost.

That hot quarterback is actually 37 years old!

The yellow line isn't there in real life.

Sometimes, African American men have Irish last names.

Bruce Springsteen shoved his balls in your face.

You ate too many wings, and your boyfriend doesn't think you're pretty anymore.

Friday, January 30, 2009

From A to Z Rock!

Let's face it: getting a show on TV isn't that impressive anymore.

Heck, they give TV shows to just about ANYONE these days.

But, when a show gets picked up for a second season? Then, you might be on to something...

Get ready, Z Rock fans! Season Two is on its way!

For those who have been asking....We start filming next week. I just visited the production office, and everything is in full swing. The boys are back from the road, and everyone is psyched. It's a great group of people to work with, and we have so much fun making this show.

If you haven't seen it, check out the full first season on iTunes, or in reruns on IFC. And stay tuned for Season Two!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Grave Mistake

It was with a sudden wave of regret that Thomas "The Human Pretzel" Milesworth realized his mistake. If only he had spent those long years of practice and stretching exercises to contort his body in the OTHER direction, where a much more beneficial and "self-rewarding" position would have arisen.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Mind Fuck

If you think it's shocking to see a "statue" that suddenly comes to life as you realize it's a street performer, you should see how it feels to see a "street performer" that you suddenly realize is a statue.


I am not ignoring you on Facebook.

I am not hiding from you, either.

I am simply NOT ON FACEBOOK.

That's right.

I don't think it's a useless tool, and I don't think I'm above it. I just think that - for me personally - I'm more productive without the lure of another procrastination feeder. I just thought I'd explain because I often find myself defending "my situation" in the social arena.

So let's stop ostracizing people for their sex, the color of their skin, or the fact that they haven't created an account on a social networking site.

Is there anyone else out there? Or am I all alone?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Master Plan

If I were an old person, and I won one of those scratch-off "$1000 A Week For Life" games, I would totally find a young person (like, for example, me) and cut a deal with her.

I'd give that person (for example, me) the ticket to cash in. Then I'd ask her (for example, me) to pay me $1100 each week until I die. When I do die, she (I) could continue to keep the $1000 each week.

That way, I get more money each week than I won, and the young person (me) still makes a profit in the end, assuming that she (I) doesn't die young.

Think about it. If I were very old, and lived - let's say - for another 10 years, the young person (me) would rack up about $52,000 in debt in those 10 years by paying me the extra $100 a week. BUT, she'd (I'd) earn that $52,000 back in only one year.

And, from then on, she (I) would be set for life!


Saturday, January 24, 2009


My friend and I were just talking about how attractive it is when a guy knows how to email in a sweet, grammatically correct and properly punctuated way.

It's amazing how much it can change your perception of a person.

Here's an example:

"I think you're great. I'm psyched to see you again." = SEXY.

"I think your great. I'm siked to see you again." = NOT SEXY.

Seriously. How do you not know how to spell these words? Did you leave school after the 5th grade?

I bet there's no chapter on that in "The Game."

But there should be.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

We're Back!

LOST is back!

Check it!

Happens In 3s

TUESDAY: An 8-year national nightmare ends. A ray of hope shines on us all.

WEDNESDAY: ABC airs a two-hour season premiere of the best show on television.

THURSDAY: Who knows? But, I'm definitely buying a lottery ticket and cold calling Spielberg, Apatow and JJ Abrams.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Why Do We Love Pain?

Rob Shocks Himself from alison becker on Vimeo.

This thing hurts way more than you think it's going to. Trust me.

Team Apartment!

Let's go, Team!

I just got back from 4 days in LA. I busted my ass each day looking at apartments and I could not find one that was both good and safe.

Please stay on the lookout for awesome apartments in Los Angeles that allow small dogs, and pass the info to
I'd appreciate it!

Here's what I'm looking for:
-one bedroom/one bath OR two bedroom/two bath
-hardwood floors
-laundry on site
-any area...but i like Hollywood, West Hollywood, Los Feliz, and Hancock Park/Miracle Mile
-someplace where I won't get raped
-just gonna reiterate the rape thing. That would be really great if it were rape-free.

Ski Pants

It's effing freezing today in New York City. I've decided that it's cold enough to walk around town in snow pants.

So, that's what I did today.

And, if you think I look un-cute and silly.....guess what?
I don't want to have sex with you anyway.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Miracle Berry

Has anyone else heard about this? It's a rare berry that you eat, and it alters your taste buds temporarily. For about an hour, anything you eat (lemons, vinegar, grapefruit, etc) tastes incredibly sweet. Supposedly, it's pretty bonkers.

The berries are hard to come by. You can have them shipped, but they are very perishable, and I'm trying to find someone who sells them in New York so I can throw a miracle berry party. Please let me know if you hear of any place that has them.


Audi 5000

This week is my last week hosting the Vh1 Top 20 Video Countdown. I just wanted to sincerely thank everyone at Vh1 and on the Top 20 team for such fun times.

Thanks to everyone who watched, too!

It's been great, but I've decided that it's time to officially move out West, which means no more Top 20 for me.

So, wish me luck in Hollywood. I hear it's where dreams come true.