Sunday, April 27, 2008

Survival

Ladies, I have figured out how to get out of any life-threatening torture situation.


Waterboarding:
"Please stop waterboarding me, dude. C'mon, I'll show you a boob."


Straightjacket:
"I need to move my arms to give a handjob."


Starvation:
"Thank you. You're just making me look FANTASTIC."

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Dog Walker

I am looking for a human friend for my dog. I will pay you to be his friend. I would want you to be his friend only about an hour a day, and only about 3-6 days a month.

Do you want to be my dog's friend?

If so, please email me directly at abecker99@hotmail.com

Friends, let me know if you are interested or know someone who is.

Please ONLY email if you are interested in walking (or just hanging out with) a great little doggy and ONLY if I know you or we know someone in common. This is a rad little dog and I just don't trust him with a complete stranger.

Ideally looking for an actor who spends days auditioning and could pop in to my apartment on days that I am shooting for a long time.

Thanks!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Sunday, April 13, 2008

A Very Specific Panhandler I Heard Yesterday in Union Square

"Can somebody spare 70 cents for an orange soda?"

Friday, April 11, 2008

Re: My Last Post

They're getting better.

Just now some dude on West 4th Street mumbled to me:

"My testicle in yerrrrrr mouthhhhhhhh?"

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Warm it Up, Dude-Bros

I love the first warm day in New York City.

Girls are out in cute outfits and everyone looks great.

Creepy guys haven't flexed their dusty cat call muscles in months. They're rusty and out of practice.

This is all one dude managed to get out today:

"Grr...*whistle*....mmmmm..tomb raiderrrrrrrrrrrr..."

Huh?

Dear Coach John Thompson III

Dear Coach,

I've been meaning to write to you for a few weeks now, but to tell you the truth, I've been scared. I'm sure you hate me right now, and I hope you'll accept my apology. I am truly sorry.

But I can explain. You see, it wasn't really my fault. It was the Wu Laundry Service on 19th Street in New York City.

You see, I don't normally drop my laundry off at a service. Why? Well, Coach, I don't like the idea of strangers touching my underwear. You understand, right, Coach? But, I decided to try to conquer that fear by starting off small....maybe dropping off some old t-shirts first. And so, the week before the NCAA tournament started, I dropped off a small bag of laundry to Wu Cleaners. In that bag was my lucky Georgetown T-Shirt.

Now, Coach, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Alison, you stupid, stupid fool! Why would you take that risk?"

But, Coach, I had worn the lucky shirt at a Big East tournament game at MSG, and I wanted it to be fresh and clean for the Big Dance.

But, you know what, Coach? I messed up. I waited too long to pick up the shirt, and when I finally went back, the cleaners were closed. Who knew, Coach? WHO KNEW?

Now, I feel like I let everyone down. Not just you, and the team, but everyone. The undergrad in DC who surely donned his lucky Hoya hat. The alum in Texas who lined up his beers in front of the TV with the labels all facing East. The fan in California who turned the light switch off and on 25 times before tip-off.

I'm sorry.

Listen, Coach, I know better than anyone the impact that these things have on the game.

And, when we lost after the first round to that little school from NC, I know what you were thinking.

And I know what you said to the team back in the locker room:

"Fucking Becker."


Sincerely Sorry,
Alison

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Effing Magical

I don't usually plug my Top 20 Countdown on Vh1, because it's not very funny.

But this week's show is from Disney World, and we had such a blast, it should be fun to watch.

The Vh1 Top 20 Video Countdown aired today, and it airs again tomorrow morning (April 6th) and Tuesday morning (April 8th). There are a few other random repeats throughout the week.

Magic!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Take a Number

Good news: When I found out that I'm in the April issue of this magazine.

Better news: When I found out it's the issue about "65 Beautiful People."

The Best news: I'm not one of them.