Thursday, February 28, 2008

Congrats McBrayer!

My job as a vj is finally worth it.

Do it.

Facebook is so last year.

www.frrvrr.com

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

All Starbucks Are Closing for Three Hours!

Holy shit.

I. Am. FREAKING OUT.

I am freaking THE FUCK out!!!!!! Open the door, baristas! I see you in there, practicing your syrup pumps and your foam pours. OPEN THE DOOR! I NEED A LATTE!

I know you can hear me, coffee people! I know you can hear me banging on this door even through the Paul McCartney and Sia I'm sure you are blaring inside the store....LET ME IN!

Excuse me, m'am? Yes, you! Passing me on the sidewalk...Come here. Give me your baby. GIVE ME YOUR BABY!

HEY!!!! BARISTAS!!! You see this baby? You want him to live???

What, lady? O, Sorry....You want HER to live? Then OPEN THE DOOR! I WANT MY GODDAMN LATTE!

OPEN THE DOooooooooor! (weeping) OPEN the dooooooooooooooooooooooor........

****************************
Good thing I didn't read that Seattle times article until after the fact. GOOD THING.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Shut the F Up

QUESTION:
How many hours of hiccuping does it take for you to google the word "hiccups" worrying that it may be something more serious?

ANSWER:
About 9.

Yup. I've had the hiccups - off and on - for NINE HOURS now.

It stopped being cute at around hour 2.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Finally! I'm Part of a Scandal!

So this happened.

He got my name right...I'll assume it's because I'm not Jewish.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I Am Moving In With A Boy!

After years of living with a one or more roommates - or with a boyfriend - I am finally getting my own place and sharing it with my favorite boy.

His name is Dignan. He weighs 10 pounds, he's covered in fur, and he's fucking adorable.

My roommate is moving out, so I'm keeping the place to myself. So, now, instead of sharing a shitty, east-village-adjacent, pre-war 2-bedroom apartment, I will have my VERY OWN shitty, east-village-adjacent, pre-war 2 bedroom apartment.

I plan on doing mild remodeling because I am only staying here for a year or so. So, send me your ideas for cheap, DIY decorating tips or your favorite color schemes or home furnishing stores.

This one's mine: http://www.brocadehome.com

And, this has great info on sustainable furniture: http://www.sustainablefurniturecouncil.org/

HOORAY!

Conversation

Car Service Dude: Sorry I am late.

Me: That's ok.

Car Service Dude: Your flight did not come in yet!

Me: But, it did. I'm here.

Car Service Dude: No! Your flight lands in 10 minutes.

PAUSE.

Me: I'm not a hologram.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Why I Never Get Interviewed on Red Carpets

Sliding Scale Of How Much I Liked My Cab Driver in Vegas

I see that he is a sweet-looking old man. 10 points.

He has an adorable accent. Plus 2 points.

He says, “Who will be the next President?”
He’s interested in politics. Plus 10 points.

He says, “Oh, you know about them?” when I speak about the candidates.
Perhaps he assumed I looked unintelligent? Minus 5 points.

He says, “I like New York.” Plus 5 points.

He says, “I am from Zurich.”
I used to live in Switzerland. Plus 3 points.

He says, “I don’t trust McCain.”
Maybe he’s a Democrat? Plus 5 points.

He says, “If the black one gets in, he may have to repaint the White House black.”
What? I think this was a racist comment, but honestly, I have no idea what he was trying to say. On the assumption that it was racist, minus 10,000 points!

He says, “I used to be in the Ice Capades.”
Plus 100 points.

He says, “I used to own 2 chimpanzees.”
OMG. Plus 500 points.

He says, “I taught the chimps how to ice skate. They did back flips and the big one would spin the little one. They were good. Now they live in the zoo. I visit them 3 times a week.”
PLUS ONE MILLION POINTS.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Totes Worth It

Dwarfed by towering 14-year-old models, barreled over by a meanie amateur fotog, asked to wait for 45 minutes in a room filled with people who can't spell the word "hat" but can tell you if yours is a good one.

Ah, Fashion Week!

But, all worth it to see my name amongst a list of people I've never heard of. I win!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Thank You, Giants!

I have always wanted to run through the streets of New York with 9 friends, screaming at the top of our lungs, high-fiving total strangers.

Super, super fun.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

I Sent This Letter to the Editor of NEWSWEEK

Dear NEWSWEEK,

I would like to state first of all that I am not, by any means, a Clinton-head, Clinton fanatic, or Clinton groupie.

While I do not dislike Bill or Hillary, I do consider myself more of a Barack proponent.

That said, your article on Bill Clinton in your February 4th issue was completely preposterous.

Your article begins with your own reporters proclaiming their own stupidity by admittedly badgering our former President with irrelevant and spiteful questions whose only purpose is to ignite a feisty response. Even written from the perspective of your reporters, the “journalist” comes off as an annoying idiot. The former President, however, reacted in an entirely appropriate manner for someone who is defending himself against an annoying idiot.

The article even states, in print, Mr. Clinton’s perfectly valid point that “This is all (the fault of the reporter) because you want conflict instead of to deal with what these people are really interested in.”

You incited an insult about yourself and then printed it. I’m confused as to why the exemplary hypocrisy of your reporter is news.

Ms. Smalley, your last name is appropriate, because your petty minutia and trivial, ignorant nagging has no place in real, grown-up political journalism.

An argument is based on facts, not on your patented “anger-meter,” which I do not think is very scientific. It lists instances in which President Clinton acted completely appropriately as someone who is backing a political candidate. And, more specifically, he’s RIGHT about Fox News having a right-wing tilt. Have you ever SEEN Fox News?

Your sensationalized Bill Clinton media moments – none of which exhibits anything out of the ordinary for someone who is supporting his wife as she runs for President – are reminiscent of a trashy gossip magazine chronicling the skirt lengths of Britney Spears.

Get your act together, NEWSWEEK.

How about printing some news?

In the words of our former President. “Print the facts. Nobody ever prints the facts.”

Sincerely,

Alison Becker
Comedian and VH1 VJ
New York, NY

Friday, February 1, 2008

This One's For My Losties

Don't forget to check out my weekly article on Lost!

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