Thursday, January 31, 2008

An Open Letter To the SureType/T9 Function on My BlackBerry

Dear SureType/T9 Function,

Hi. How are you?

That's great.

So, listen, we need to talk. I think you're great. You save me time and prevent callouses on my adorable thumbs.

But, listen, I want you to know that you're not going to change me. I am who I am. And sometimes, I have a potty mouth. I mean, let's be honest, I probably type the word "fucking" a few times a week. Rest assured that it is used only for emphasis, as in "Nicole, this Brazilian restaurant is fucking awesome!"

However, I almost never, ever type the word "ducking." So please, SureType, stop suggesting it. You can pretty much assume that I'm trying to write "fucking," and you're just wasting time. Then I have to go back and retype the word.

So until I find myself stuck on the incoming landing strip at JFK, I will probably not be texting the word "ducking" very much. So, let's just accept who I am and move on with things.

Ok? Thanks.

I still think you're ducking great.

Doh.

Love,

Alison

Friday, January 25, 2008

Hate

I heard a smart friend the other day say an important thing: "Hate is a very strong word."

It made me realize that maybe we throw it around too much in casual conversation, especially with regard to people.

Of course, a wiser person might opt to focus on the people I don't hate. But, I, on the other hand, intend to use the heavy blanket of cold and flu medicine that is warming my brain as an excuse to further clarify my hate classifications so as not to misuse the word in the future.

Here we go.

Types of people I think it's ok to hate:
-people who do not give regularly of themselves to those less fortunate.
-people who abuse others.
-people who don't get the joke.
-doucehbags, in general.
-mooches...perfectly capable people who let their friends or significant others pay for extensive amounts of vacations, rent, clothes, food or whatever. Gross.

That's it!

But, YOU, of course, I love.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

If I Ever (Fingers Crossed) Become a Catskills Comic, I Will Use This

Aesthetician: Apply both of these creams nightly to your face.

Me: Which one do I apply first?

Aesthetician: Always remember: the thin one first, and the rich one last.

Me: Just like husbands!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Dear Awesome Dude Talking Loudly on His Cellphone On the Corner of 18th and 3rd Today at Around 1pm

Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful life with us! And, boy, are we impressed!

You actually went to an "OFF THE HOOK" party last night "LOADED WITH VICTORIA'S SECRET MODELS!?" And you're flying out to "SUNDANCE" to "HANG" with "YOUR BOY FROM THE RED SOX." Plus, you're going to "ROLL TO THAT PARTY TONIGHT" with "JOHN MCCAIN'S DAUGHTER!" But, don't forget to end your conversation, because you've really got to hang up the phone and "CALL DEF JAM ASAP."

Gee whiz! Thanks so much for sharing all of that at top volume with all of Gramercy. We are REALLY impressed. Outstanding!

I've never seen someone try to drop so many names in such a little amount of time. And, all for the enjoyment of complete strangers who don't give a crap! Amazing!

I'm just confused why someone with such a jet-setting lifestyle was hanging out in front of a diner in a residential neighborhood in the middle of the afternoon.

Which is More Disturbing?

I pulled this sentence from an article on cnn.com:

"Some Lunchables, with meat, cheese, crackers and even a desert, contain nearly three-fourths of the recommended daily salt allowance, said Dr. Clarence Grim, a high blood pressure specialist at the Medical College of Wisconsin."

I noticed two disturbing things:

1. CNN does not know how to spell dessert.
2. Somewhere, there is a doctor named Dr. Grim.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Cock-Cuss

I think many people still don't understand how the caucuses work. That's unfortunate, because it's a pretty amazing process.
Iowa, unlike other states, does not hold primary elections. Instead, they hold caucuses. But what's super rad is the difference between the Republican caucuses and the Democratic ones. The Republicans vote via secret ballot, all sketchy-like. Then they leave, steal money from poor people, and murder puppies.
But, the Democrats talk about the issues, and through debates and discussion, they decide the candidate they want to support. Then they go make magical unicorns out of recycled newspapers and cure cancer.

By the way, I'm registered as an independent.

Also, here's some good reading on how the Iowa caucus works. Learn about how your country works! You can't complain if you don't know what's going on!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Mr. Friendly Throws Like a Girl

Lost fans, take a shower and shine your shoes. We're on in 29 days.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Resolutions

Learn Japanese.
Solve crime (at least a little).
Get younger.
Start smoking.
Be smarter.
Grow 3 inches.
Stop asking for it.