Monday, December 29, 2008

You Like Cute Australian Boys Who Break World Records

I'm headed out of town to ring in 2009, but here's a little treat before I go.

We squeezed out a quick New Year's Mayne Street episode, with an appearance from Robbie Maddison. This guy breaks world records. NBD.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

My Dog Is Kinda Famous



Dignan was invited to the premiere of Marley and Me. He walked the red carpet (not his first time), and watched the whole movie in the theatre (that was a first for him). He also got to meet a bunch of celebrity dogs, like Denis Leary's dog Daphne, and Beth Ostrosky Stern's dog, Bianca. They talked about eating, and peeing, and ya know, dog stuff.

I'm glad he brought me as his date.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I Love You, Man

I think we're all going to love this movie.

I read the script awhile back, and it's pretty great. Also, some of my very funny friends are in it...including Rob Huebel, Sarah Burns, Nick Kroll, and Seth Morris, to name a few.

Yay!

My Parents

True story.


MY MOM: Speaking of lesbians liking men, Justin Timberlake was on Ellen, and she was ga-ga over him..


MY DAD: Who's Justin Timberlake?

Friday, December 26, 2008

Outsourcing

My recent phone conversation with a Delta Airlines representative was frustrating me so much, that I actually had to say this line:

"Well, since I don't have a TIME MACHINE to do that, perhaps you could offer me a better solution."

Afterwards, my friend thought of an even better zinger:

"Well then, can you tell me if there are any available flights to Bombay? Because I'd like to come there and punch you in the face."

I Am a Published Photographer



A photo I took in Paris at the Puces de St-Ouen was included in the Schmap guide to Paris. No biggie.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Please Make French Fries Flavor Next

Mayne Street Bonus Footage

Friday, December 19, 2008

Improv at Its Best: Mayne Street Outtakes

Thank You

Per one of the comments on my blog, I checked this out. Watch the video!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Cage Free



Check out this package of dog treats. I think it's pretty rad that they even make dog food with a conscience. It's time we started paying attention to where our food comes from. Cage-free farms do not support the cruel and unhealthy practices that are seen in many of the farms where our food originates.

But, one thing did confuse me about this bag. "Veggie Life?" Maybe I skipped that day in kindergarden, but is chicken a vegetable?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Smart Girls At The Party

Two ladies I know - Amy and Ruby - sit down for a chat.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Holiday Parties: When to Get a Cab

MY FRIEND: I'm so fucked up.

ME: Scale of 1 to 10.

MY FRIEND: I'm an 11 and a half....(long pause)......and three quarters.

ME: You mean 12 and a quarter?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Worst Song Ever Recorded In The History of Recording Songs

I am finally learning GarageBand. It's the best. Lyrics, Vocals, Vocal Percussion, Weird Noise, Back-Up Vocals, and Giggles by Me.

video

Friday, December 12, 2008

BONUS FOOTAGE

More hilarious than those Fresh Prince of Bel Air outtakes...

Minnesota Muslim

I started out at the UCB Theatre back in 2000, or 2001. I don't even remember because it's been so long. But, I've seen about a billion shows over the years, and I have to say that this is one of my favorites.

It's just one guy - Charlie Sanders - telling TRUE but HILARIOUS stories about being raised as a white Muslim in Minnesota.

Charlie, Eugene Cordero, and Bobby Moynihan did my favorite sketch show ever at UCB - Buffoons. And, now, Charlie's doing this one man show that you will just love. It's hilarious and shocking and heartwarming. (I hate that word, but it is....)

Maybe I'm biased because Charlie's a friend (and we used to be on an improv team together), but I'm pretty sure this show is objectively awesome.

There's only one performance left - Friday, Dec 19th.

SEE IT.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

EcoRazzi Interviewed Me

Check it.

Mayne Street: Hotel Episode

Christmas Parties........

..........are everywhere right now.

Did Jesus really want me to drink this much to celebrate his birthday?

I can't keep up, Jesus! I can't keep up!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Maybe All the Boys I've Ever Dated Got Their Dating Advice From a Nine Year Old



Btw, I'll give you one guess why this kid is good at "talking to girls."

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Be Nice

Two weeks ago, my friend's mother passed away. He misses her.
He left me a message that said, "Every once in awhile, be nicer to your mother than you'd like to be."

That same week, I had a little health scare. It was the worse pain I've ever felt. I'm ok now, but it was frightening, distressing, and a gender-specific ailment that no man will ever have to feel.

Here's the deal: people go through a lot. But women go through even more. And all the while, we're expected to smile and look pretty. It's just not fair, and women aren't appreciated enough.

So, dudes...
Do something nice today for your mom,
Don't neglect your girlfriend,
Tell your sister you love her,
Remind your wife that she's beautiful, or
Give a woman your seat on the subway....because she worked just as hard as you, but she's wearing heels.

Girls, remember to support your fellow ladies.

Women put up with a lot of crap. It's time to appreciate it a little more.

Besides, if you tell us we're pretty, you might get a BJ tonight.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

We Won't Stop!

This episode was fun to shoot because this is the scene that I auditioned for the project with.

Mayne Street has gotten about a bazillion hits so far. We're psyched!

Your Favorite Web Show

Another episode:

Monday, December 1, 2008

I Grew Up In A Really Pretty Place

Check this out. One of the NY Giants is farming in my hometown, Allamuchy, NJ!



In an unrelated story, when I was about fourteen, the farmer you see in the beginning once called the police when my friend Jackie and I were making noise outside of the local school in the middle of the night.

We had snuck out of a sleepover to meet up with some boys there.

Jackie, obviously, was a bad influence....and a whole lot of fun.

Yay, small towns!

Keep 'Em Coming

Episode Two of Mayne Street:

Friday, November 28, 2008

Because You Love Animals

Hey guys-

This Thursday is the Farm Sanctuary Winter Wonderland Benefit.

Many celebrities and special guests (including myself) will be there.

For more info, go here.

General admission tickets are $100. But, here's the thing..that includes a yummy veg meal, cocktails, and just an overall wonderful evening. Plus, it all goes to an amazing cause!

Please come by...I'd love to see you!

-Alison

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

TONIGHT!

If you're in NYC tonight, come to my one person show!


Side B
a comedy show by Alison Becker
UCB Theatre
307 West 26th Street at 8th Ave.
$5
212 366 9176 for reservations
7pm

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Yay!

I cut and pasted this directly from ESPN.com today:

Top Rated |
#1 NBA Fastbreak For November 21
#2 Outside The Lines: All Or Nothing
#3 Ohio State Wins Fifth Straight Over Michigan, 42-7
#4 Mike D'Antoni Talks Knicks' Basketball
#5 What bowl will USC end up in? (11/24/08)
#6 One-On-One: Sir Charles Vs. Dickie V.
#7 ESPNEWS Highlight Of The Night: Celtics Vs. Raptors
#8 Streak For The Cash Update: Nov 25
#9 Mayne Street: Sarah Morton - Producer
#10 O fracasso do t├ęcnico Luxemburgo - 24/11

Those are the top videos on the whole site right now.
In other words:

Top Rated
#1 blah blah sports
#2 blah blah sports
#3 blah blah sports
#4 blah blah sports
#5 blah blah sports
#6 blah blah sports
#7 blah blah sports
#8 blah blah sports
#9 ALISON BEING FUNNY!
#10 blah blah sports

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I Wrote A Show Today!

Which one of these lines is in the 35-minute show that I just finished writing?

A . "You called me just to tell me that 'Love, Actually' is on Channel 11."
B . "I will show you my left ball."
C. "Can you build a right triangle and violate the Pythagorean Theorem?"

The answer is D. All of the above!

I finally wrote the show that I'm putting up at UCB Theatre this Wednesday. Please come by and see it!

THIS WEEK!
November 26th.
7pm
$5
UCB New York. 307 West 26th Street at 8th Avenue.
212. 366. 9176 for reservations.

Thank you!

Kinda Makes You Realize That We Make Life Too Complicated


An "Uninhabited" Island from alison becker on Vimeo.

Taken on a tiny island in Vietnam.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A Little PSA

I'm not sure what this says about my hosting abilities, but The Vh1 Top 20 Countdown that I hosted last week with my dog Dignan was one of the highest rated since i've been on the job.

I think i'm going to let him take over.

I can't believe how many emails I've gotten about him! So, to answer your question: Dignan is a Yorkshire Terrier (Yorkie). But, he's a full-sized Yorkie (NOT a teacup). He looks different than other Yorkies because I cut his hair short.

Now, here's the thing, guys....Teacup Yorkies are super cute, but please do not buy one. They are bred fast and irresponsibly and have many health problems. Consider getting a full-sized Yorkie (like Dignan) instead.

If you are interested in getting a dog, please visit your local shelter. There are thousands of animals who need a home. If you do not find a match at the shelter, contact a responsible breeder. Do NOT purchase an animal from a pet shop. They are all cute, but these animals are bred in small cages in puppy mills. You will be supporting an unhealthy and cruel system.

And please remember that you are responsible for taking care of a living animal. Make sure you're ready!

That said, Dignan is fucking awesome and having a dog is the best.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Will You Be My Director?

Hey guys.

If anyone happens to be in New York City the day before Thanksgiving, I'm doing a one person comedy show that I wrote, and I'd love love love for you to come.

It's pretty loose, and I'd love people to come out and tell me what they think. I'll be trying out some fun characters, and you should come watch, laugh, and tell me what you like, and what you don't.

I'll be going up at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (307 West 26th Street) in NYC on Wednesday, November 26th at 7pm. So, even if you're heading out of town that evening, you can still swing by! Tickets are only $5.

Thanks!

I'm Sorry He's So Cute

Due to a gas leak in my apartment, I had to evacuate my dog for a day and bring him on a shoot with me.

So, if you happen to catch the Vh1 Top 20 Video Countdown this weekend/week, you will see my co-host, Dignan. And, yes, he does have a mohawk.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Another Mayne Street Character!

Another plug for my ESPN.com show.
Meet Robin, played by Aubrey Plaza, who will soon appear in the new Judd Apatow movie, Funny People. Yay!

Murder is Hilarious!

I Love Serial Killers

Thursday, November 13, 2008

ESPN's First Original Scripted Series Is On The Web and Doing Great.



Our first episode got over 2 million hits in the first day! Check it out at www.maynestreet.net. In the meantime, here's another improvised interview from yet another Mayne Street character.

Can Someone Please Buy Kerby Brown a Flip Camera?

For those who don't know, here are three things about me:

1. I recently learned to surf.
2. I am obsessed with it.
3. I'm not that good at it....yet.

I certainly am not in the league of Kerby Brown, who just surfed a 41ft wave this week in Australia. FORTY ONE FEET! It's been all over the news, and there are a lot of photos floating around of it. But, Kerby, c'mon! If you're going to attempt to surf a 41ft wave, can you at least get someone to take a video of it???

Who Needs News?

I'm on CNN's Headline News throughout the day today. The show is called "Showbiz Tonight," and I'm talking about Obama and comedy.

Two of my favorite things!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I Think Jon Glaser Is Effing Hysterical

Another ESPN promo to introduce you to all the Mayne Street characters. Meet Video Cowboy!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

We're Live!

The best new web series in the world is up! My new comedy web show, Mayne Street, has its first episode up today, on one of the most highly trafficked sites on the internet: ESPN.com!

New episodes will be right there on the front page every Tuesday and Friday morning.

Or, the direct link to the show is here.

Check it.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Mayne Street "HR" Videos

Meet Kenny.

Here's Another Interview

Meet all of your soon-to-be-favorite Mayne Street characters!

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

So, why not stay in and watch some hilarious Mayne Street promos? The full series launches tomorrow!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Out of Place

I don't have a penis, so it's a little odd that I'm quoted in ESPN Magazine.

Oh yeah, Ben Schwartz and Jon Glaser are pretty great, too.

Two More Days Until Mayne Street Premieres!



Did you see Kenny on Kimmel talking about "real actors?" That was us!

Scary

My friend and I are beginning a self-improvement exercise called One President a Week, wherein we email each other fun facts about each American President. We're currently in Week One: George Washington.

In researching George, I came across his Farewell Address, which he gave to the country in 1796. I should point out here that I am registered as an Independent, although I always support the Democrats. I am a huge Barack proponent and couldn't be happier that he was elected. My face was covered in tears of joy when he gave his acceptance speech. I think he is just what this country needs.

However, I can't help but notice that our country as a whole is dangerously divided. So many of the Democrats I know won't even listen to a Republican, and vice versa. This is no way to progress a country. Too many Americans treat political parties like sports teams, fanatically and blindly supporting their colors with an unhealthy hatred for the opponent. We forget that we're all on the same team. That's why I have long been wary of the narrow two party system that our nation now follows.

I support the Democratic party because it follows more closely with my true beliefs. But, only paying attention to 2 party candidates makes it easy for many Americans to not take the time to learn about specific issues. Our country was not founded on political parties. In modern history, it has morphed into Right vs Left, with little room for discussion or cooperation. It's scary, and I hope Obama leads us in a direction of unity.

As for George Washington, I couldn't help but feel an eery feeling of admonishment when reading his farewell address. Even then, he clearly warns against the grave dangers of political parties.

Check out some excerpts:

"To the efficacy and permanency of your Union, a government for the whole is indispensable. No alliance, however strict, between the parts can be an adequate substitute."

"...the common and continual mischiefs of the spirit of party are sufficient to make it the interest and duty of a wise people to discourage and restrain it.
It serves always to distract the public councils and enfeeble the public administration. It agitates the community with ill-founded jealousies and false alarms, kindles the animosity of one part against another, foments occasionally riot and insurrection. It opens the door to foreign influence and corruption, which finds a facilitated access to the government itself through the channels of party passions."

"The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge, natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism."

Kinda makes you want to hug a Republican, no?



(On second thought, I'm not sure I could....)

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?


I dressed my DOG as a CAT for Halloween.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Tonight

Hey guys. I'll be doing a bit tonight at the UCB Theatre in NYC (11pm show). It's free! I haven't written it yet....and I go on in 4 hours....but, I'm sure it will be hilarious, so come on by!

Love,
Alison

PS- OBAMA!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Monday, October 27, 2008

Favor

I need two favors from you.

1- Please watch Z Rock on IFC. You'll thank me.
2- Don't tell my mother about the show. I say "fuck" a lot.


(Joan Rivers, Lynne Koplitz, and me onset)

The Barack Obama Show

Bill Maher, Kevin Smith, James Franco and ME quoted in New York Magazine:

http://nymag.com/arts/tv/features/51546/

Cobra vs. Python! Fun Monday Afternoon Office Game!

Gather everyone in your office and place your bets before you watch the video!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Don't Get Cocky

I have to say, I agree with McCain on at least one thing: "Don't believe the polls."

Sure, Obama's ahead in "the polls."

But, think about all of the people you've met in your life.

For example, I've attended five schools, lived in six states, worked in four offices, and been on set for scores of commercials, tv shows, movies, and internet shorts, where I've met a countless number of people over the years. In addition to that, I've met so many more people socially, at parties, through friends, romantically, through family, as neighbors, through volunteering, through common interests, etc.

And I have never, ever met someone who's answered a political "poll."

Where ARE these people?

Change

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

My New MacBook

My computer crashed.
I lost a lot of writing, and some other stuff.
It sucks.
I'm dealing with it.
Now I have a brand new MacBook that looks like the future. But, we're still in an awkward phase. Like Brad on the Rachel Zoe Project, if I were Rachel and the computer were Brad: I know he's great, I'm just not used to working the way he works. But, he'll come through. Plus, he looks great.
Luckily, when my old MacBook crashed, I was pretty good about backing up my photos and my videos. Here's one from May when I did Habitat for Humanity. I think the locals were very grateful for our efforts.


Huebel Negotiates With the Locals from alison becker on Vimeo.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

13 Men and A Baby

My friend Jake makes funny videos. I like this one.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Joe The Plumber

I just had the distinct privilege of attending the third and final presidential debate. It was a ticket that was nearly impossible to get, and I'm still over the moon that I was able to witness a part of history.

But, seriously, all I could think of was this:

"Joe the Plumber" will be the BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME EVER.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Virgin Birth

I'm sure those waiting for the Second Coming of Christ never saw this one coming.

The finding leads me to 2 possible conclusions:

Jesus is a large fish.

Or

Evolution is slowly weeding out men. They'll soon be obsolete.



Either way, you might want to consider praying to this shark.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Si. Perfecto.



"The kids adore him!...

...And also, when Frank's not home, I let him F me in the B."

I'm Back..

...from Asia.

AMAZING TRIP!

Here's some stuff I learned:

When you're in a communist country, don't put a bottle of homemade rice wine with a cobra floating in it into your checked baggage. They'll find you.

If you get caught with a bottle of homemade rice wine with a cobra floating in it at the airport in Hanoi and brought to a scary back room, don't try making a joke. They won't think it's funny.

Don't ride through a small village with 3 people on a motorbike meant for two. Especially if the driver doesn't have a license, none of you speaks Vietnamese, and none of you is wearing a helmet. Why? Because one of you will get arrested.

Don't hire a limo driver for the day in Bangkok just because it's cheaper than it would be in New York. He will assume you are a millionaire and only take you to expensive jewelry outlets.

Don't sleep on the 24-hour trip back. You'll find yourself awake at 4am the next evening on your blog.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Mayne Street!

I'm off to a vacation in a foreign land for a couple of weeks, but before I go, I thought I'd leave you with a SNEAK PEEK of the hilarious new webseries, Mayne Street. I had such an amazing time shooting this series in August with a talented, hilarious group of people. Check it...full series coming soon to ESPN.com.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Oops

This was a bad idea.

I never watched it again.

Have You Been Keeping Up With Your Z Rock?

Remember, episodes of the new comedy "Z-Rock" are airing on IFC. They're also available on iTunes. I play Becky, the drummer's girlfriend.

Episodes 4 and 6 are my faves so far. The latter stars my friend - and my new favorite improviser - Dave Navarro.

Check it out, kids. It's funny.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Thanks, Jordan

I was Friday's Honey Shot on the Apiary.

So what if I had to let Tony Serico touch my boob?

The recognition from the New York comedy scene is WORTH IT.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What I Learned This Week

I might want to rethink my definition of "leisure" when the vacation I'm planning requires vaccines of Typhoid, Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, and Malaria pills.

Maybe Sacramento next year?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Eco Fabulous

Fashion Week used to be nothing but divas and douches. But now, more and more designers are blending fashion with eco-friendliness.

Big ups to the darling Malan Breton (and thanks for lending me the beautiful dress!) and to Edun, a socially conscious brand that uses organic materials AND drives sustainable employment in developing economies. Plus, it's adorable!

And many thanks to the best eco-celeb gossip site, EcoRazzi, for the shout out!

Keep fighting the good fight!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Advice

Hey guys. I need hotel recommendations for Thailand. Have you been?

Here's what I'm looking for:
-Any place in Thailand (We'll be all over)
-fun
-In cool area

Here's what I'm not looking for:
-boring or super businessy
-over $500 a night
-Thai prostitute amenities

Thanks!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Happy Alison Becker Day!


OMG. Today was such a thrill. The city of Cincinnati presented me with an electric guitar with a portrait of me, a custom Bengals jersey, a funky hat from the King Of Funk, Bootsy Collins, a bust of myself hand-carved from Ivory Soap, and an official proclamation from the Mayor declaring today Alison Becker Day.

Bonkers!

Cincinnati is the best!

On an unrelated note, I'm also on the cover of the current issue of Steppin' Out Magazine. Check it out!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

They Must Have Me Confused With Someone Else

If you are in Cincinnati, Ohio, at 1pm today, please come to Fountain Square.

I don't know any better way to put this, so I'll just cut and paste it from the press release:

'City officials will proclaim Friday, Sept. 5, 2008, as "Alison Becker Day" in Cincinnati...'

For real?

FO. REAL.

Please come on out so it's not just me and the Mayor standing in silence.

Awkward.....

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

9021-Oh!

So, here's the deal. Other than Lost, I don't watch tv.
Ask me about any other show from the past 5 years, and I probably haven't even seen one episode. What can I say? I'm busy!
So, to treat myself for years of abstinence, I decided that I'm going to utterly commit myself to the CW's new 90210. Who's with me? As a kid, I was obsessed with the old one, so I'm pretty sure this one won't disappoint.
So yesterday, I let my brain be fried by the juicy happenings of West Beverly Hills High.
Here are some comparisons between the old 90210 and the new:
1- Blowjobs were a much bigger deal back in the 90s. Now, kids get them in the morning before class!
2- A pill popping issue could have sustained a whole episode back then. Now, it's just character development.
3- Am I the only one who wants to eff Mr. Matthews???
4- I liked it better when 27-year-olds were playing 16-year-olds. I mean, who wants to see real 16-year-olds?
5- I should start doing lots of Ecstasy, because it gives you adorable sleepy eyes and an impish grin.
6- Seriously. Who is this Mr. Matthews fella?

Please tell me I'm not the only one who watched this.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Good Things Happen in Threes

So much great news!

Last week, Bobby Moynihan made the cut.

This week, Biden's on the ticket.

I think next week, it's going to rain ice cream!

Friday, August 15, 2008

What Day Is It?

I have never before traveled as much as I have this past month. I'm working on 2 shows, and it's been quite a ride.

As of tomorrow, I will have been in 6 cities in this one week alone. SIX CITIES IN ONE WEEK!

That's a lot of plane time. And bus time. And car time. And even more plane time. Now I know how a musician on tour feels.

On Monday I woke up in a hotel room and forgot what city I was in. For real.

Today, I was walking down the street in NYC (I actually had a few hours in my own city), and I heard a woman speaking very slowly to an elderly man saying, "TODAY. IS. FRIDAY."

At first I thought how much it would suck to be so out of it, that you need someone to tell you what day it is.

Then I realized that until she said it, I was sure it was Thursday.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Chi-Town

Why waste ink on another blog post plug for some charity that helps people, saves animals, or prevents the exploitation of our planet's natural resources?

Instead, here's a plug for a great new city guide site. (This one's for Chicago, but more cities are on the way.)

And I hear the guy behind it is really cute.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Pundit

Yup. That's me, making funnies about tv shows on CNN's "Showbiz Tonight."

Gossip Girl is the one with the blonde alien teenager who can stop time with her index fingers, right?

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Dog Not Included

I have come to terms with the fact that my dog and I were in a fashion show, since it was all to raise money for The Humane Society.

And now, you can bid on this dress.

It's a Rebecca Taylor piece, worth at least six times the opening bid. What a deal!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Another Open Letter to the SureType/T9 Function on My Blackberry

Dear SureType/T9 Function,

I'm sorry.

In reference to the last letter I sent you, I realize that I spoke - or rather, wrote - too hastily.

Today I was responding to a friend's email, and when I tried to input the ubiquitous word "fucking," you, as always, offered alternate suggestions. In the past, I have mocked your "ducking" suggestion, dismissing it as uninformed and useless.

And, I'm sorry. Because today you made a suggestion that is so brilliant, I'd like to retract my previous complaints.

Here it is:

DICKING.

What a great word! When used in moments of frustration or mild anger, it takes the place of "fucking" in such an unexpected yet appropriate way. Notice:

"That dicking club kid is the worst."
"I hate my dicking job."
"That dicking girl needs to realize that the world does not revolve around her."

T9, you are a wordsmith! You are a visionary!

If I were one of those suckers who read the The Tipping Point a few years ago, I'm sure I'd call you something like a connector or a maven.

In any case, I'm sorry I doubted you.

You're the dicking best.

Love,
Alison

Friday, July 11, 2008

Thank You, Mac, for Putting All the A-Holes in New York City in the Same Spot


Guess what idiot thought today would be a good day to pick up her repaired MacBook from the Apple store?

Me, that's who.

I have never seen such a collection of admitted scenesters in my life. I mean, the iphone is nifty and all, but do you really need to wait in line for FOUR HOURS just to be one of the first to have it? Just to show off to your friends tonight?

Just wait a day or two and there won't be a line!

Let's do everyone a favor: If someone shows you their new iphone today, please laugh laugh laugh.

And then drop it in the closest full pint of beer.

Monday, June 30, 2008

From San Diego: Keep America Beautiful


Great idea.
Let's start by getting rid of these UGLY. FUCKING. TRASH CANS.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

My Name is Will Smith. Have You Seen My New Film?

He Has to Go in a Minute

College Humor has more than just boobies!

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1820882

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

It Figures

I was in Barnes and Noble today buying a birthday present. I wanted to get my friend this great book I had heard about. But when I looked it up on the fancy computer in the store, I was surprised to find out that it could be found in the "Self Improvement" section. Since I'm not one for "self help" books, I didn't even know where this section was.

CLERK: Can I help you find something?

ME: Yes. Where is the Self Improvement section?

CLERK. Downstairs. In the basement.

ME: That's hilarious.

CLERK: Yeah, and it's the back corner, too.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Remember When I Did This?



A few years ago, I got into a sound studio with Paul Scheer and Jackie Clarke and we improvised this scene. Then it was animated!

Well, I just got great news that an animated pilot I worked on - with the same creators - was picked up for 20 episodes! It will be coming to Nick at Nite. Hooray! More info to follow.

Friday, June 20, 2008

"Bad Ass Dolls of Comedy" Show!

Come see me do stand-up!

Monday, June 23rd at 8pm.

Stand Up New York, 236 West 78th Street.

Reservations 212-595-0850.

This blog post contains nothing but information! Hooray!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Pretentiousness Is Expensive

I went to an art show today and made my first real art purchase.

After drinking the free wine, I somehow thought I could afford it.

But what I really learned today is this: Never discuss art in public.

Every person I walked by - even if they had something valid to say about a piece - sounded like a pretentious asshole.

It is simply impossible to sound cool, colloquial, casual, intelligent, substantial, eloquent, and/or not at all annoying when forcing your views on an inanimate object out loud and in public.

That's why art is so expensive: so you can bring it home and do that in the privacy of your own home, without making a fool out of yourself.

No Pressure

I just wrapped my last day on the first season of "Z Rock." It's the highly anticipated new show for IFC.

And "highly anticipated" is a completely warranted description because guess what? The network just pushed the premiere up TWO WEEKS EARLIER!

Some cameos include Joan Rivers, Dave Navarro, Dave Attell, and Sebastian Bach. I had such an amazing time working on this improvised comedy.

"Z Rock" will now premiere on August 24th! Set your tivos!

Bringing It Back

With record-breaking heat engulfing our city, I've been trying to bring back the parasol.

But since no one else uses them in New York, I've realized that I just look like a crazy person who thinks it's raining.

In 1944.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Hummmmmmmmmers

My friend Sean
told me some great news.

I love when society acts like a Darwin-esque species, and even idiots have to evolve out of necessity.

Now if we can just eliminate emoticons, we're all set.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Plug

I rarely plug my Vh1 show, but try to catch the last airing of this week's episode (tomorrow at 8am). I did the show with Bret Michaels, and we had a great time. I even got to go onstage during his concert and yell, "WHAT'S UP BILOXI???!!!!!"

Also, if you're ever in Mississippi (which you probably won't be), you should definitely have Chuck Kelly do your hair.

He's honestly better than anyone at any of the New York salons.

At hair, that is...

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Thanks Dave!

Just when I think I've seen all the rock shows I've needed to, my friend invites me to see him perform in this.

Camp Freddy is a rock conglomerate of your favorite musicians - from your favorite bands - who get together to play covers from your OTHER favorite bands.

A+.

I only wish I brought more panties to throw at the stage.

Next time, I will wear three pairs instead of two.

Friday, May 23, 2008

This Man is Living in 1823

Charity Auction

Go here to bid online for celebrity-donated items. Proceeds benefit a great organization called Clothes Off Our Back.

Search for "Becker" and bid on a Vh1 gift pack!

Seriously....please...can someone bid more than $40 for a t-shirt autographed by me? This is embarrassing....

Mom?

(Auction ends May 29th.)

Don't Read Tabloids

I am on Page Six today!

Which, ironically, is on page 11.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Burma

In case you have been living under a rock, you should know that there is serious shit going down in Burma/Myanmar.

A cruel dictatorship guilty of mass murder is now restricting aid to an area devastated by the recent cyclone. We can't even get real news about what is going on because no one can get in.

Please check out this website for videos from your favorite comedians/actors about the crisis and how you can help.

Our World

I have just been informed that this designer will be creating an outfit for my dog, who will then model it in a celebrity dog fashion show.

Did I mention I can't afford cable?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Marketing

ME: I went on a date with a guy who is WAY too hot for me.

MY FRIEND JASON: How hot?

ME: He is so hot that every time I look at him, I just start to laugh. Way too good looking. Way out of my league.

JASON: Hilarious.

ME: Yes! He looks like a model. Why did he go out with me? I can't figure it out.

JASON: Hm...Are you sure this isn't a viral marketing campaign for the Sex and the City movie?

ME: Yup. That makes sense.

Buzzworthy?

Have you seen Iron Man? I loved it. RD, Jr looks great.

I felt so cool when I knew to stay until the end of the credits for the extra scene.

And, I felt even cooler when I realized that it made no sense to me because I don't read enough comic books.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Survival

Ladies, I have figured out how to get out of any life-threatening torture situation.


Waterboarding:
"Please stop waterboarding me, dude. C'mon, I'll show you a boob."


Straightjacket:
"I need to move my arms to give a handjob."


Starvation:
"Thank you. You're just making me look FANTASTIC."

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Dog Walker

I am looking for a human friend for my dog. I will pay you to be his friend. I would want you to be his friend only about an hour a day, and only about 3-6 days a month.

Do you want to be my dog's friend?

If so, please email me directly at abecker99@hotmail.com

Friends, let me know if you are interested or know someone who is.

Please ONLY email if you are interested in walking (or just hanging out with) a great little doggy and ONLY if I know you or we know someone in common. This is a rad little dog and I just don't trust him with a complete stranger.

Ideally looking for an actor who spends days auditioning and could pop in to my apartment on days that I am shooting for a long time.

Thanks!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Sunday, April 13, 2008

A Very Specific Panhandler I Heard Yesterday in Union Square

"Can somebody spare 70 cents for an orange soda?"

Friday, April 11, 2008

Re: My Last Post

They're getting better.

Just now some dude on West 4th Street mumbled to me:

"My testicle in yerrrrrr mouthhhhhhhh?"

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Warm it Up, Dude-Bros

I love the first warm day in New York City.

Girls are out in cute outfits and everyone looks great.

Creepy guys haven't flexed their dusty cat call muscles in months. They're rusty and out of practice.

This is all one dude managed to get out today:

"Grr...*whistle*....mmmmm..tomb raiderrrrrrrrrrrr..."

Huh?

Dear Coach John Thompson III

Dear Coach,

I've been meaning to write to you for a few weeks now, but to tell you the truth, I've been scared. I'm sure you hate me right now, and I hope you'll accept my apology. I am truly sorry.

But I can explain. You see, it wasn't really my fault. It was the Wu Laundry Service on 19th Street in New York City.

You see, I don't normally drop my laundry off at a service. Why? Well, Coach, I don't like the idea of strangers touching my underwear. You understand, right, Coach? But, I decided to try to conquer that fear by starting off small....maybe dropping off some old t-shirts first. And so, the week before the NCAA tournament started, I dropped off a small bag of laundry to Wu Cleaners. In that bag was my lucky Georgetown T-Shirt.

Now, Coach, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Alison, you stupid, stupid fool! Why would you take that risk?"

But, Coach, I had worn the lucky shirt at a Big East tournament game at MSG, and I wanted it to be fresh and clean for the Big Dance.

But, you know what, Coach? I messed up. I waited too long to pick up the shirt, and when I finally went back, the cleaners were closed. Who knew, Coach? WHO KNEW?

Now, I feel like I let everyone down. Not just you, and the team, but everyone. The undergrad in DC who surely donned his lucky Hoya hat. The alum in Texas who lined up his beers in front of the TV with the labels all facing East. The fan in California who turned the light switch off and on 25 times before tip-off.

I'm sorry.

Listen, Coach, I know better than anyone the impact that these things have on the game.

And, when we lost after the first round to that little school from NC, I know what you were thinking.

And I know what you said to the team back in the locker room:

"Fucking Becker."


Sincerely Sorry,
Alison

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Effing Magical

I don't usually plug my Top 20 Countdown on Vh1, because it's not very funny.

But this week's show is from Disney World, and we had such a blast, it should be fun to watch.

The Vh1 Top 20 Video Countdown aired today, and it airs again tomorrow morning (April 6th) and Tuesday morning (April 8th). There are a few other random repeats throughout the week.

Magic!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Take a Number

Good news: When I found out that I'm in the April issue of this magazine.

Better news: When I found out it's the issue about "65 Beautiful People."

The Best news: I'm not one of them.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Super Last Minute

I will appear on the Colbert Report tonight!

I will also be performing stand-up at Broadway Comedy Club tonight at 9pm. Please come by and laugh a lot.

Two places at once? What is this, LOST?

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Green Green Green

I am helping out with this.
If you know any kids under 18, have them submit their green ideas.

And I won't even ask why you're hanging out with kids under 18.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Date Old Prudes

There's a recent study that's all over the news about STDs in high school girls.

Evidently, one in four high school girls has a sexually transmitted disease. This is way up from the stats when, say, our parents were in high school, and even way up from when I was in high school.

So, I'm thinking, the younger the people you date are, the more likely you are to sleep with someone who has an STD (and keep in mind that most people who have common STDS do NOT even know that they do!)

However, the older the people you date are, the more partners that person is likely to have had. So, their chances of having an STD may be higher.

Therefore, the best conclusion, I've realized, is to date older prudes.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

My Friends Are Smarter Than Your Friends.

There aren't many shows on tv that don't make you dumber as you watch them. But Jeopardy is one that even makes you smarter. And it's even more worthwhile to watch tonight, because my friend (and former fellow UCB comedy troupe member) Will McLaughlin, will be a contestant!
Watch and root for him!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Winner


Even if I had no idea who these people were, and I saw this picture in the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest, my entry would still be "Oops, I slept with a prostitute and my wife is PISSED."

This Was Said to Me Today

"Sorry, Snoop is running late because he wanted to catch the end of Flavor of Love."

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Great Find

I was trying to find a better version of this clip of Billie Joe singing my favorite Elvis Costello song.

And I stumbled upon this cinematic masterpiece.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Even the Press Thinks I'm Jewish

As a comedian in New York with many Jewish pals, a lot of people assume that I'm Jewish too.

But I'm actually not.

And now, it's getting weird. Even Variety is putting me in Jewish roles that I never played.

(I was actually the non-Jewish Long Island girl in this film.)

Maybe I'll convert and get my pic in the trades more. Word!

Coffee Talk

My friend Lonny always dares me to say "Thanks a latte!" when you pick up your drink at Starbucks.

I've tried it several times.

...And have realized that it's impossible to do without sounding really, really sarcastic.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Vanity Hierarchy

You know you've made it when you stop googling yourself.

But then you backtrack when you start searching for yourself on gettyimages instead.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Taking a Nap On Set

I really love those moments when you're taking a nap in an upstairs bedroom, and you're half asleep, and you might be dreaming, and you hear something really weird and random in your dream...like Gilbert Gottfried's odd and distant voice.

Then you remember that Gilbert's downstairs and you're in a house shooting a tv show with him.

_________
"Z Rock" premieres on IFC this fall.
Get ready.

Monday, March 3, 2008

No. For Real. Which One Is It?

Did Cadbury Eggs get smaller?

Or did I just get bigger?

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Congrats McBrayer!

My job as a vj is finally worth it.

Do it.

Facebook is so last year.

www.frrvrr.com

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

All Starbucks Are Closing for Three Hours!

Holy shit.

I. Am. FREAKING OUT.

I am freaking THE FUCK out!!!!!! Open the door, baristas! I see you in there, practicing your syrup pumps and your foam pours. OPEN THE DOOR! I NEED A LATTE!

I know you can hear me, coffee people! I know you can hear me banging on this door even through the Paul McCartney and Sia I'm sure you are blaring inside the store....LET ME IN!

Excuse me, m'am? Yes, you! Passing me on the sidewalk...Come here. Give me your baby. GIVE ME YOUR BABY!

HEY!!!! BARISTAS!!! You see this baby? You want him to live???

What, lady? O, Sorry....You want HER to live? Then OPEN THE DOOR! I WANT MY GODDAMN LATTE!

OPEN THE DOooooooooor! (weeping) OPEN the dooooooooooooooooooooooor........

****************************
Good thing I didn't read that Seattle times article until after the fact. GOOD THING.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Shut the F Up

QUESTION:
How many hours of hiccuping does it take for you to google the word "hiccups" worrying that it may be something more serious?

ANSWER:
About 9.

Yup. I've had the hiccups - off and on - for NINE HOURS now.

It stopped being cute at around hour 2.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Finally! I'm Part of a Scandal!

So this happened.

He got my name right...I'll assume it's because I'm not Jewish.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I Am Moving In With A Boy!

After years of living with a one or more roommates - or with a boyfriend - I am finally getting my own place and sharing it with my favorite boy.

His name is Dignan. He weighs 10 pounds, he's covered in fur, and he's fucking adorable.

My roommate is moving out, so I'm keeping the place to myself. So, now, instead of sharing a shitty, east-village-adjacent, pre-war 2-bedroom apartment, I will have my VERY OWN shitty, east-village-adjacent, pre-war 2 bedroom apartment.

I plan on doing mild remodeling because I am only staying here for a year or so. So, send me your ideas for cheap, DIY decorating tips or your favorite color schemes or home furnishing stores.

This one's mine: http://www.brocadehome.com

And, this has great info on sustainable furniture: http://www.sustainablefurniturecouncil.org/

HOORAY!

Conversation

Car Service Dude: Sorry I am late.

Me: That's ok.

Car Service Dude: Your flight did not come in yet!

Me: But, it did. I'm here.

Car Service Dude: No! Your flight lands in 10 minutes.

PAUSE.

Me: I'm not a hologram.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Why I Never Get Interviewed on Red Carpets

Sliding Scale Of How Much I Liked My Cab Driver in Vegas

I see that he is a sweet-looking old man. 10 points.

He has an adorable accent. Plus 2 points.

He says, “Who will be the next President?”
He’s interested in politics. Plus 10 points.

He says, “Oh, you know about them?” when I speak about the candidates.
Perhaps he assumed I looked unintelligent? Minus 5 points.

He says, “I like New York.” Plus 5 points.

He says, “I am from Zurich.”
I used to live in Switzerland. Plus 3 points.

He says, “I don’t trust McCain.”
Maybe he’s a Democrat? Plus 5 points.

He says, “If the black one gets in, he may have to repaint the White House black.”
What? I think this was a racist comment, but honestly, I have no idea what he was trying to say. On the assumption that it was racist, minus 10,000 points!

He says, “I used to be in the Ice Capades.”
Plus 100 points.

He says, “I used to own 2 chimpanzees.”
OMG. Plus 500 points.

He says, “I taught the chimps how to ice skate. They did back flips and the big one would spin the little one. They were good. Now they live in the zoo. I visit them 3 times a week.”
PLUS ONE MILLION POINTS.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Totes Worth It

Dwarfed by towering 14-year-old models, barreled over by a meanie amateur fotog, asked to wait for 45 minutes in a room filled with people who can't spell the word "hat" but can tell you if yours is a good one.

Ah, Fashion Week!

But, all worth it to see my name amongst a list of people I've never heard of. I win!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Thank You, Giants!

I have always wanted to run through the streets of New York with 9 friends, screaming at the top of our lungs, high-fiving total strangers.

Super, super fun.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

I Sent This Letter to the Editor of NEWSWEEK

Dear NEWSWEEK,

I would like to state first of all that I am not, by any means, a Clinton-head, Clinton fanatic, or Clinton groupie.

While I do not dislike Bill or Hillary, I do consider myself more of a Barack proponent.

That said, your article on Bill Clinton in your February 4th issue was completely preposterous.

Your article begins with your own reporters proclaiming their own stupidity by admittedly badgering our former President with irrelevant and spiteful questions whose only purpose is to ignite a feisty response. Even written from the perspective of your reporters, the “journalist” comes off as an annoying idiot. The former President, however, reacted in an entirely appropriate manner for someone who is defending himself against an annoying idiot.

The article even states, in print, Mr. Clinton’s perfectly valid point that “This is all (the fault of the reporter) because you want conflict instead of to deal with what these people are really interested in.”

You incited an insult about yourself and then printed it. I’m confused as to why the exemplary hypocrisy of your reporter is news.

Ms. Smalley, your last name is appropriate, because your petty minutia and trivial, ignorant nagging has no place in real, grown-up political journalism.

An argument is based on facts, not on your patented “anger-meter,” which I do not think is very scientific. It lists instances in which President Clinton acted completely appropriately as someone who is backing a political candidate. And, more specifically, he’s RIGHT about Fox News having a right-wing tilt. Have you ever SEEN Fox News?

Your sensationalized Bill Clinton media moments – none of which exhibits anything out of the ordinary for someone who is supporting his wife as she runs for President – are reminiscent of a trashy gossip magazine chronicling the skirt lengths of Britney Spears.

Get your act together, NEWSWEEK.

How about printing some news?

In the words of our former President. “Print the facts. Nobody ever prints the facts.”

Sincerely,

Alison Becker
Comedian and VH1 VJ
New York, NY

Friday, February 1, 2008

This One's For My Losties

Don't forget to check out my weekly article on Lost!

(If you want to leave comments, sign in.)

Thursday, January 31, 2008

An Open Letter To the SureType/T9 Function on My BlackBerry

Dear SureType/T9 Function,

Hi. How are you?

That's great.

So, listen, we need to talk. I think you're great. You save me time and prevent callouses on my adorable thumbs.

But, listen, I want you to know that you're not going to change me. I am who I am. And sometimes, I have a potty mouth. I mean, let's be honest, I probably type the word "fucking" a few times a week. Rest assured that it is used only for emphasis, as in "Nicole, this Brazilian restaurant is fucking awesome!"

However, I almost never, ever type the word "ducking." So please, SureType, stop suggesting it. You can pretty much assume that I'm trying to write "fucking," and you're just wasting time. Then I have to go back and retype the word.

So until I find myself stuck on the incoming landing strip at JFK, I will probably not be texting the word "ducking" very much. So, let's just accept who I am and move on with things.

Ok? Thanks.

I still think you're ducking great.

Doh.

Love,

Alison

Friday, January 25, 2008

Hate

I heard a smart friend the other day say an important thing: "Hate is a very strong word."

It made me realize that maybe we throw it around too much in casual conversation, especially with regard to people.

Of course, a wiser person might opt to focus on the people I don't hate. But, I, on the other hand, intend to use the heavy blanket of cold and flu medicine that is warming my brain as an excuse to further clarify my hate classifications so as not to misuse the word in the future.

Here we go.

Types of people I think it's ok to hate:
-people who do not give regularly of themselves to those less fortunate.
-people who abuse others.
-people who don't get the joke.
-doucehbags, in general.
-mooches...perfectly capable people who let their friends or significant others pay for extensive amounts of vacations, rent, clothes, food or whatever. Gross.

That's it!

But, YOU, of course, I love.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

If I Ever (Fingers Crossed) Become a Catskills Comic, I Will Use This

Aesthetician: Apply both of these creams nightly to your face.

Me: Which one do I apply first?

Aesthetician: Always remember: the thin one first, and the rich one last.

Me: Just like husbands!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Dear Awesome Dude Talking Loudly on His Cellphone On the Corner of 18th and 3rd Today at Around 1pm

Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful life with us! And, boy, are we impressed!

You actually went to an "OFF THE HOOK" party last night "LOADED WITH VICTORIA'S SECRET MODELS!?" And you're flying out to "SUNDANCE" to "HANG" with "YOUR BOY FROM THE RED SOX." Plus, you're going to "ROLL TO THAT PARTY TONIGHT" with "JOHN MCCAIN'S DAUGHTER!" But, don't forget to end your conversation, because you've really got to hang up the phone and "CALL DEF JAM ASAP."

Gee whiz! Thanks so much for sharing all of that at top volume with all of Gramercy. We are REALLY impressed. Outstanding!

I've never seen someone try to drop so many names in such a little amount of time. And, all for the enjoyment of complete strangers who don't give a crap! Amazing!

I'm just confused why someone with such a jet-setting lifestyle was hanging out in front of a diner in a residential neighborhood in the middle of the afternoon.

Which is More Disturbing?

I pulled this sentence from an article on cnn.com:

"Some Lunchables, with meat, cheese, crackers and even a desert, contain nearly three-fourths of the recommended daily salt allowance, said Dr. Clarence Grim, a high blood pressure specialist at the Medical College of Wisconsin."

I noticed two disturbing things:

1. CNN does not know how to spell dessert.
2. Somewhere, there is a doctor named Dr. Grim.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Cock-Cuss

I think many people still don't understand how the caucuses work. That's unfortunate, because it's a pretty amazing process.
Iowa, unlike other states, does not hold primary elections. Instead, they hold caucuses. But what's super rad is the difference between the Republican caucuses and the Democratic ones. The Republicans vote via secret ballot, all sketchy-like. Then they leave, steal money from poor people, and murder puppies.
But, the Democrats talk about the issues, and through debates and discussion, they decide the candidate they want to support. Then they go make magical unicorns out of recycled newspapers and cure cancer.

By the way, I'm registered as an independent.

Also, here's some good reading on how the Iowa caucus works. Learn about how your country works! You can't complain if you don't know what's going on!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Mr. Friendly Throws Like a Girl

Lost fans, take a shower and shine your shoes. We're on in 29 days.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Resolutions

Learn Japanese.
Solve crime (at least a little).
Get younger.
Start smoking.
Be smarter.
Grow 3 inches.
Stop asking for it.