Sunday, December 30, 2007

Get Your Shit Together

Have you been a good kid this year?

This is always a good time to make sure you've fulfilled your yearly charitable giving quota.

Have you remembered to donate to your favorite organization in 2007?

Here's mine.
What's yours?

Saturday, December 29, 2007

A Multitasker's Dream Come True


Never again do you say to yourself: "Shoot! I've only got 5 minutes. Do I eat, or do I do my hair?"

Friday, December 21, 2007

I Know How to End the Writers Strike!

Show this to everyone in the AMPTP.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I went to the Museum of Natural History today. We were standing in front of a few human skeletons when a little girl ran in and said to her sister, "These must be the pirates!"

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The Only Reason the South May Rise Again

I don't cook. And I certainly don't blog about recipes. But my ex boyfriend used to make this cornbread stuffing that it so yummy you will want to shoot your face off...in a good way.

I made it last year at a pre-Thanksgiving meal with friends.
And if I can make it, so can you.

Anyway, I asked him to send me the recipe again because I always lose it. And now I'm sharing it with everyone in the world.

Here it is:

"Make a big batch of Jiffy corn bread (boxes of mix,eggs,milk). Then when its baked, you crumble it up into a bowl and mix it with cream of chicken soup and poultry seasoning (that's the secret). And some chopped onion. Some people add celery but not me. That mix then goes into a pan for baking. BOOM!!!

I use a lot of McCormicks poultry seasoning. Because I'm the best.

Anyone who uses this recipe will achieve all their dreams!!"

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Bright Idea

I have decided that with every Christmas gift I give this year, I am including an energy saving light bulb.

Here's a fact:
"If every American home replaced just one light bulb with an ENERGY STAR qualified bulb, we would save more than $600 million in annual energy costs, and PREVENT GREENHOUSE GASES EQUIVALENT TO THE EMISSIONS OF MORE THAN 800,000 CARS."

Whatever your opinions are, I'm pretty sure this is a simple switch that we all can agree is a good move.

Please try to switch at least ONE bulb in your house to a compact fluorescent bulb.

Thanks!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Too Literal

I had a cab driver the other day say to me, "I can't take Houston Street because there is construction like there's no tomorrow."

And, I really wanted to say, "If there's no tomorrow, then what's all the construction for?"

History 101


This ad for a GPS says "BEHIND EVERY GREAT EXPLORER IS A GREAT NAVIGATOR."
That'd be a great slogan if this were a picture of an explorer.
But, this is a picture of General George Washington crossing the Delaware River on Christmas to surprise attack the hired Hessian soldiers during the Revolutionary War.
Most of us learned that in the 4th grade.
Except for the ad execs behind this ad, I guess.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Flawed Logic?

I have long held the unproven belief that it is better to date a boy with a sister than one without a sister.

My friend Sean told me that I once said to him,
"If I had the choice between you, and a much lesser version of you with a sister, I would choose the lesser version."

I don't remember saying that, but I think it's a great fucking line.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Cherry Chocolate Rain

The talented and adorable director (and my good friend) Jeff Tomsic conceived and directed a music video/commercial for a new Dr. Pepper flavor. It stars someone with whom, I think, we are all familiar.
Check it.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

your welcome?

Here's a dilemma.

I get so many nice messages from people who see me on tv, writing me to say the nicest things that anyone could ever want to hear.

And I am flattered, gracious, and appreciative of their comments and emails.

But, for every 100 nice messages I get, I get one not-so-nice one from someone who doesn't like a show I did, a joke I made, or just the way my teeth look or the way I hold a microphone...you know, real stuff.

I've noticed 2 things in all of this.
One is that mean people's comments are ALWAYS left anonymously. How brave.

But, the 2nd thing is far more interesting.

I've noticed that the vast majority (but not all) of the nice comments read much like this:
"your great"
"your hilarious!"
"your so pretty!"

And, the mean ones read like this:
"You're not great."
"You're not hilarious."
"You're not pretty."

Notice who has the correct grammar.
I guess the meanies have time to proofread because they have no friends?

For those of you who are nice AND have good grammar, you are my FAVORITE!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Karaoke Nightmare

Yes, I agreed to be in a contest.
Yes, it involves me singing and playing a pocket-sized "guitar hero" type game.

No, I cannot sing.
No, I cannot play the guitar. ("Every Rose Has Its Thorn does not count.)

Yes, you can watch me make a fool out of myself online.
And, yes, you can vote for me (or Jim Shearer).

But, you should also watch the outtakes from the shoot. They're actually pretty funny.

See it all here.
(Outtakes link at bottom of that page).

And, yes, you ask too many questions.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

"The assembly of this product requires two adults."

Today I learned that when Crate & Barrel prints the above sentence in their furniture assembly instructions, it is NOT, as I first thought, to piss off a single girl who doesn't HAVE a second adult to help her.

Instead, it is there because it is almost impossible to assemble the product with one person.

ALMOST.

I mean, my finger is bleeding and I can't move my back right now, but you can bet your ass that I have a new kitchen island.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Marry Me, Jonathan Goodwin

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/11/20/green.hummers/index.html

Saturday, November 17, 2007

I Use Products

And sometimes, I tell beauty websites about them. Deal with it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Best Alarm Clock Ever

If you live in a place like Albuquerque, Dallas, or Palm Springs, then you may have heard me on the radio this morning. I just finished a radio tour, and I have to say, there is NO better way to wake up a groggy mind than talking to six, overzealous, loud, bubbly, radio morning DJs.

Of course, there's also no better way to slowly drive yourself insane.

But, hey, at least you're awake.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Matchmaker Cabbie!

I had the matchmaker cabbie as my cab driver the other night!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Irony

Isn't it odd how the utter inconvenience of having a $50 or $100 bill in your wallet in New York City is actually worse than having, say, twenty singles?

Monday, November 5, 2007

Dreams Really Do Come True

This is an uber-late post, but if you get a chance to dvr the Vh1 Top 20 Video Countdown tomorrow (Tuesday) morning, you will get to see one of my dreams come true.

Here are some hints:
me
jon bon jovi
make-out

Well, not so much "hints" as "exactly what happened."

I am still reeling...

Sunday, November 4, 2007

A Great Big Thank You

I went to Brooklyn to watch the New York City Marathon today.

It always gets me teary eyed to see complete strangers cheering on other complete strangers. It reminds me of that post-9-11 camaraderie that blanketed New York for a few months, when strangers hugged strangers and you couldn't find an asshole within 20 miles.

Here's what blows my mind, though. When we'd yell out "Go Andrea!" or "Good job, Riccardo!" or "You're DOING it, Jayne!" the runners would actually look at us, smile, and say "Thank you!"

Uhhhh.....DUUUUUDE! You're. running. a. marathon!

I think you can put the courtesy on pause for a second and save your breath...while you finish running.

...that MARATHON.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

No, I'm Going as a DOUBLE Hypocrite

As per my blog post from October 21st (below), this year for Halloween, I was not at all sexy.

I went as the "BOOBonic Plague." A pun on the bubonic plague, I was wearing a dress made of rags, furry boots, and I was covered in rats that had little boobs glued on them. I blacked out a tooth and covered my face in black smears of dirt. I did not look sexy at all.

Surely, I thought, my creativity and wit would draw attention away from the cleavage, midriffs, short skirts, Playboy bunnies, and sexy pirate girls that surrounded me.

And yet, not only did NO ONE figure out my pun (I got a lot of this: "Are you homeless?")...no less than 3 of my male friends looked at me with confused eyes and asked why I wasn't dressed sexier.

And, even more friends said, "I can't talk to you with that blacked out tooth."

WTF, people?

However, my "homme du jour" did tell me that I looked cute. I think I'll keep him.

Either that, or next Halloween, I am dusting off the old push-up bra. Fuck it.

Monday, October 29, 2007

AP English

Alternative Press, not Advanced Placement....

I am in the December issue of Alternative Press Magazine!

It's the Comedy Special issue, and I am honored to be featured with the likes of Jim Gaffigan, David Koechner, Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler, and Paul F. Thompkins......He always looks so dapper in those suits.

AP is a great music mag; you can find it near Rolling Stone in your favorite bookstore or kiosk.

Check it out!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

What are you Going to be for Halloween This Year? A Hypocrite?

I love to hear my holier-than-thou guy friends bitch about skanks who sport the cliched slut-in-a-bag "Playboy bunny" or "sexy nurse" Halloween costumes.

Then, I love it when those same friends, year after year, wake up on November 1st next to a naked bridge and tunnel girl, and cat ears and a black bikini on their floor.

Looks like boners trump taste.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Z-Rock

I recently shot a pilot with a bunch of other comedians that just got picked up! It's a semi-improvised comedy for IFC about this real band. Look for it later this season; we're all very proud of it.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

A Letter

Dear Aspiring Murderer,
Dear Peanut M&M Stuck in My Throat,
Dear Quiet Creepy Guy Who Lives in My Building and May Be A Sociopath,
Dear Fast-Moving City Bus,
Dear Lonely Girl Who Sometimes Leaves Unnecessarily Mean Comments on My Blog,
Dear Cancer,
Dear Deadly Fall Down the Stairs,

If any of you were thinking of murdering me, I just want you to know that you're good to go.

Because tonight, my friends, I met Mr. Jon Bon Jovi.

So, really, I'm all done.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

You Know You Might Be a Stress Eater When...

....it's an hour before you go onstage for a big show, you order take-out for just yourself, and the delivery guy brings you plastic utensils for FOUR PEOPLE.

Tears for Fears

I've heard that the only full days are those in which you both laugh and cry.

This past weekend, I cried when I read a new friend's children's book about a dog dying. Wowsers.

Then, I laughed my ass off when the horn in the rental car went off with no warning....and we couldn't turn it off...as we drove through a quiet beach town.

As for you, I recommend the following activities to fulfill your daily laughter/tear quota:

LAUGHTER:
-Write a letter with your opposite hand.
-Go to Jamba Juice and give a fake name.
-Punch an annoying Upper East Side chick in the face. HARD.
-Drive drunk.
-Google an ex.

TEARS:
-Google an ex.
-Watch Extreme Home Makeover.
-Sit in your room by yourself and listen to that Colin Hay song on the Garden State soundtrack. Seriously. It will make you think of someone, and I fucking DARE you not to cry.
-Watch An Inconvenient Truth.
-Pour salt directly onto your eyeball.

Monday, October 8, 2007

American Idol?

Seriously, America? Are we really liking Daughtry? And, who names their band "Daughtry?" You're not Eddie Van Halen, dude.

"Daughtry" sounds like the name of a bad English pub on a street of good Indian restaurants.

"Hey guys! Wanna go to Daughtry's tonight, drink some So-Co and lime shots, and maybe date rape some chicks?"

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Pet Peeve

I hate emoticons.

I am shocked at how many of my seemingly smart/cool/funny friends use them. Using an emoticon (or, the equally ridonkulous "LOL") is basically like saying:

"Hey, idiot, in case you didn't realize it, the sentence I just typed is a joke!"

Oh, really??

Thanks, asshole.

But guess what?
I GET IT.

And also, it wasn't funny.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

A Few Of My New Favorite Things That I Wish I Thought of First

Blister Block. You know those perfect bitches whose feet never get blisters even after a day of flip-flopping through SoHo? Turns out they are not androids. They have just been using this.

A Place Between Us. This is a basically the online version of how my New York brain looks when people ask me "Where should we meet?"

I know that this has been around for awhile, but I just joined, and it's been great for commitment-phobes like me who can't commit to more than a short trip, or to the boys with whom they are traveling. Plus, they have hybrids!

You're welcome.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Dear Dude Who Stole the Back Wheel Off of My Locked-Up Bike

I FUCKED YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT!!!!!


Damn it. That doesn't really have the same effect coming from a girl, does it?

Um. Please bring my wheel back?.....please?

Monday, September 10, 2007

Adoption

Let's say I want to adopt a dolphin for my friend's birthday.
But, I adopt it in her name.

Who does the dolphin call Mom?

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Monday, August 27, 2007

Me in Another Vid

Did this a couple of months ago.

Multimedia is fun!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Answering Your Obvious Question



YES, I met R. Kelly. NO, he didn't pee on me.

Oops

This is already a couple of months old, but I forgot to post it before.

Scroll down to watch me in the video.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Mom's Million Dollar Idea

I spoke with my mom yesterday.

When she asked me which celebrities I'd be interviewing for my Vh1 show, I told her a few names. Then, she said something which really encapsulated the amazing amount of work I've been putting into comedy and acting for the last 8 years of my life. After all that I've worked for, after all of the selfish hope for just a little reward, a little recognition, my 15 minutes....she really blew my mind with a million dollar idea when she said:

"Ali! That's great! You should start an autograph book!"

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

WTF?

This is an EMERGENCY SITUATION!!!!

We are running out of male actors!

This is ridiculous.

Productive Night

Stayed up until 2am last night watching this piece of brilliance at my friend's apartment. How did I not know about this movie??

Monday, August 20, 2007

Me on Conan

check it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbWJEF5D30o

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Careoke!

Tonight, I'm hosting an event at Irving Plaza called "Careoke for the Kids." It's an event to raise money for The Valerie Fund, which helps kids with cancer. This is such a wonderful cause. Please support by donating what you can at:
http://www.thevaleriefund.org/

And, if you'd like to attend the event tonight, please email me asap at abecker99@hotmail.com. Tickets are $100 and there are only a handful left.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Overheard at the Office

I don't work in an office anymore, but today, I was in one.

Here are three real lines that I overheard:


1 - "I cannot even believe the fact that you just said that."


2 - "What the fuck am I supposed to do about this diversity training?"


3 - "I only talk in Spanish now."*



*This was said in English.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Non-Rich Person Dilemma

Rich people probably fly first class all of the time, so there's nothing special about it for them.

But, I rarely fly first class. So, when I do, I want to take advantage of every hot towel, every free glass of wine, and every smug look to the people in coach.

Unfortunately, I can get pretty motion sick on planes, so I tend to sleep. But, if I'm in first class, I'll miss everything!

This past week, I flew in first class, and I was wrestling with this dilemma. Is it better to sleep through luxury and miss the whole thing, or to risk being mildly nauseated while being pampered?

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Game for a Great Cause



I will be playing in a celebrity softball game to help fight autism. Please come out! August 25th in Coney Island. It will be a fun summer day, and the money raised supports a great cause.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I Know I've Been in New York Too Long...

....when a woman I don't know smiles at me, and I immediately assume she is either crazy, or a lesbian.

OR, she is a crazy lesbian. And, NOBODY wants that. Trust me...There was this one time, back in the 80s, in Ibiza...well, nevermind.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Sunday, July 22, 2007

My Favorite Joke That I Have Ever Written

Where in the world IS Carmen San Diego?

I don't know...but someone should REALLY check San Diego.*




*(I wrote this joke so many years ago, but it still makes me giggle.)

Monday, July 16, 2007

Priorities

When I got the HPV vaccination - which prevents against a virus that can cause some types of STDs and cancers - my first thought SHOULD have been:
"Hooray! Now I won't ever get cervical cancer!"

But, instead, it was:
"Hooray! Now I won't ever get genital warts!"

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Monday, July 9, 2007

I Am Not a Crazy Dog Lady

The love of my life almost died on Saturday.

My dog, Dignan, has been in the ICU for 3 days. It's been one of the hardest weekends ever, filled with lots of tears. Hopefully, he will be coming home soon.

Thankfully, there is good news that came out of this. For the past 2 years, I have become pretty certain that I have one of the most awesome dogs on the planet. He's supercute and supersmart. But then, I started to worry that maybe this was a false perception that I had. "Uh-oh," I thought. "Is this dog really that awesome, or am I Crazy Dog Lady?"

But, since Digs has been sick, he has received phone calls, emails, texts, flowers, and even several visits to the animal hospital from so many friends who keep telling me how awesome he is.

So now, I'm pretty sure I'm not crazy.

Unless, of course, all of my friends are crazy, too.

....Uh-oh.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

You Know the Dresses You're Wearing Are Too Short When...

....the guy at the dry cleaners puts them in the computer as "blouses."

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Dilemma

What if a guy you're dating has this really bad habit of talking in his sleep? And what if it's really really annoying and it keeps you up at night? And what if he does is all night, nonstop, and you just want to tell him to shut the fuck up already because you need your sleep and you can't get a wink when he's yapping away?

But, what if, when he talks in his sleep, all he says is how beautiful he thinks you are, and how much he likes you?

I am not making this up.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

"Kill Your Television"...

....is the name of a Ned's Atomic Dustbin song.

Also, I don't have cable.

No, seriously. I don't. I didn't have it growing up either. I DID have it in college, and shortly after. But for years now, I have lived without MTV, HBO, A&E, VH1, and all the rest. In fact, I hardly watch tv at all (except for Lost, really). Friends are baffled by this. When I was young, I watched tv religiously. I've seen every episode of Family Ties, The Cosby Show, and even Parker Lewis Can't Lose.

But, now, I just get so much more done when I don't have 17 shows to catch up on.

And, for this, I have been interrogated, ridiculed, and ostracized.

Until now.

It is exactly one week since the end of the Sopranos, and people are still walking around in a tizzy, as if they've been ripped off for the past eight years. From what I've heard, the juicy culmination of plot ended with a lame fizzle. And, to all of the viewers who put their heart and souls into their televisions every Sunday night, to all of the people who paid $150 a month to Time Warner Cable so they could see a fat guy who can barely breathe properly unrealistically screw another hot skinny Jersey girl, to all of the people who condescendingly judged me by saying "You don't watch the SOPRANOS?!" ....

To all of those people, I politely bow and say:

Sorry, fuckers. Looks like I won.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Take That


Per my entry on June 12th, here is a photo of me entering the Bubble.

You can all send me a personal check.

Friday, June 15, 2007

No Joke

Forgive the lack of snarky commentary, but this is just a straight-up public service announcement for 2 services I think you should know about. Plus, I'm fucking tired today and just spent 2 hours making sound-bytey jokes for a talking head show, so I'm all funnied out. In any case, you should know about this:

http://www.millenniummusic.com/trades.html
You can trade in your old CDs for a new ipod. FOR REAL.

and, also, this:
http://www.apple.com/education/itunesu/
For dorks like me who love information and still secretly wish they had an Ab Psych or Philosophy class to attend, this is fantastic.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Not Jealo

I love the feeling of being organized. Towels neatly folded in a linen closet, appointments beautifully scribed in a leather bound day planner, and old photographs filed in chronological order.

I love that feeling, but I am not that person. My laundry basket overflows, my cash is tossed into my purse but not in my wallet, and my camera and its case have never been introduced.

But the strange phenomenon about this is that even though I would LOVE to be more organized - and I strive to be - I am not envious of organized people. In fact, I don't like them much. Girls with spotless white pants in a rainstorm, guys who have no single socks - only pairs, people who own label makers. I really can't stand those high maintenance, holier-than-though types.

So, go fuck yourselves, Mr. and Mrs. Organized. I'll be in the kitchen.....eating spaghetti out of a saucepan.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Travel Barometer

The way that I know if I'm traveling out of the city a lot is when I find myself buying refillable metro cards instead of unlimited metro cards.

Also, the guy at the hybrid rental place in LA knows my name.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

YOU OWE ME FIVE BUCKS!

I made it into the bubble!

TWICE.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Bubble Boys

Have you heard about the band living in the bubble? If not, you should know that there is a band living in a bubble on Pier 54 in New York City. For 3 weeks, the band cannot leave the bubble, and no one else is allowed inside the bubble. So, my mission is to do what cannot be done: get inside the bubble.

I'll bet you $5 I can do it.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

A Second Haiku from a Fictitious Girl to Her Emo Rocker Boyfriend

Skinny jeans? Really?
Dude, it's 90 degrees out.
Just buy some cargos.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Boy Algorithm

I finally cracked the code and figured out a mathematical way to explain the type of boy that I am most often attracted to. I have, for years, baffled friends with some of my seemingly quirky choices, and I have finally figured out a way to verbalize my theory.

For simplicity's sake, let's use numbers, from 1 to 10. A "1" is a universally highly unattractive man. And, a "10" in a universally highly attractive man.

Through what I'll call the "distillation principle," the 1's and 10's are automatically eliminated from my scope of attraction. Sorry, 1's, but I need to get at least a little bit of a girl boner. And, sorry, 10's, but I have never been attracted to the perfect dude types. I just don't trust someone who's that good looking. Or rather, I don't trust all of his female friends.

Now, here's where my theory gets good.

Each dude has two numbers of attraction attached to them: an actual number and a self-perceived number. And the self-perceived number can actually alter the actual number.

Let's say you're a dude, and you're a solid 7, looks-wise. (That's your actual number). But, you THINK you're a 9. (That's your self-perceived number).

That totally sucks. Because, a 7 who thinks he's a 9 is really a 4. Because each false image of perfection equates to roughly -1.5 points.

Stay with me here...(i.e. 9 - 7 = 2 and 2 x (-1.5) = -3 and 7 +(-3) = 4.) Got it?

But, likewise, a false backwards image lends itself to humble bonus attraction points, in the ratio of 1 to 1.5. So, a solid 6 who thinks he's only a 4 is really equal to a perfect 9. (i.e. 6 - 4 = 2 and 2 x 1.5 = 3 and 6 + 3 = 9.)

There. That was simple.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Worst Part About Not Having a Boyfriend Is...

..having to install your heavy air conditioner by yourself.

Seriously, that's the worst of it. The rest, I can totally deal with.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Sorry, Dudes

I do not like to take showers with other people.

I like the IDEA of showering with someone else. It's wet and sexy and fun. But, I just can't do it.

First of all, showering for me is my alone time. My zone out time. And, even if I'm really into you, I don't want you in my alone time. Trust me; it will make me better when I am with you.

But, in all honesty, the real reason I can't shower with other people is that I like the water really, really, really hot. And, every boy with whom I've ever wanted to shower just can't take the heat.

Maybe I should stop dating wimps?

But, they're just so cute!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

I Take Back My Last Post

This is the best thing I've seen online in a long time.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Sunday, April 15, 2007

O, geez.

Just when I think I'm old enough to not get all emotional over a song....to not get teary-eyed over its dripping romance and sweetness.....to not play it over and over like I'm in the 7th grade...just when I thought I was past all that, a boy goes and makes a mix cd for me, and puts this song on it:
Swedish Girl by Lotus Child.

Oh, boy.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

License to Drive


I need to explain my driver's license photo because everyone always comments on how stupid I look in it. Every time I get a new license, I want to recreate the photo from one of the best movies ever made, License to Drive. Corey Haim makes the best face in his picture. But, when you're at the DMV, they don't really want you to do an "open mouth" pose. Plus, there's a delay when the guy takes the photo. My strategy was to time it so that when the delay ended, I would make the Haim face for a split second, the photo would take, and I'd be golden. But, I mis-timed it, and I wound up with the face that happens the second after I made the Haim face...which is just an idiotic, eager, surprised smile. But, next time...I will totally nail it.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Owes Me One

I usually go to a female OBGYN, but yesterday, I went to a male for the first time.

But, I'm not used to this order of events: Dr. Dude looked at my hoo-ha, and then gave me a bill....I mean, isn't he supposed to buy me dinner first?

Or, at least a light beer?

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Down to Earth

Really, Cole? You'd date a fan? That is SO cool. You're totes down to Earth! Only thing is, YOU'RE 8.

Friday, April 6, 2007

What's Your Handicap?

Something tells me this person was parked illegally.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Finally

Finally! Men and women can park side by side in peace and harmony. It's about time!

Friday, March 30, 2007

Rejected Slogans for Metamucil

1) Does your lower intestine look attractive?
2) Is your colon pretty?
3) Can't poop?

Thursday, March 29, 2007

There Is No Way That Anyone Will Ever Get a Better Email from an Ex-Boyfriend Than the One I Just Received.

"had to do an embarrassing interview with playboy today. one question was whether anyone had nicknamed my penis. i had to tell them about the gustavo thing. hope that's cool."

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Torn

I love Bon Jovi. I'm past the point of feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and even overly proud. I am at the point where I just accept it as part of who I am. I think they are one of the greatest bands of all time. So, there's that.

On the other hand, I love grammar. Seriously. I was an English major, and I love the satisfaction of finding incorrectly placed apostrophes on restaurant menus or misused pronouns in medical literature at the dentist's office.

So, when I hear Jon Bon Jovi sing the words, "I wish I was him; Wish those words were mine," I can't help but sing along, "I wish I were he; Wish those words were mine."

(The subjunctive tense is needed to express a hypothetical, and "he" is needed because a subject pronoun should follow the verb to be.)

It hurts me to change JBJ's lyrics, but I can't help myself. To hear it the other way makes me cringe. I'm sorry, Jon. Please forgive me.

And when I find the boy who cares about the subjunctive tense as much as I do, I will marry him.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

My New Favorite DD

My friend Brian is now my favorite drunk dialer. This was our convo on the phone the other night:

Alison: Where are you?
Brian: I'm so drunk.
Alison: Brian, where are you?
Brian: I'm so drunk.
Alison: OK. But where are you?
Brian: I'm so drunk.
Alison: You already told me that 3 times.
Brian: And, I'm gonna tell you again....I'm so drunk.
Alison: Are you ok?

Brian: I'm so drunk, I feel like it's my birthday......Twice.


(That's pretty much the best thing I've ever heard.)

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Show Me the Green

I've been drunk for the past 9 hours. How could I not be when the Hoyas have made it to the ELITE 8!?! As Green took the winning shot, I found myself standing on a chair in the middle of a bar, screaming my lungs out. (I'm classy like that.) Is there any happier moment than that? It is a good day, my friends. Man, I love March!!!! Go hoyas!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

You're Welcome

I just had a birthday party, and I made goody bags for my friends. They were filled with candy, little plastic toys made in China, leis, tiny hats, baby sunglasses and mix cds. I made 3 different versions of the CD, but I'm pretty proud of my song choices.
Being a VJ for a year has introduced me to a lot of cheesy bands, but I have sorted through the nonsense and picked some awesome songs that I tried to hate, but I just can't.
I know what it's like, guys. There is a lot of crap out there musically, but then you hear a song by a cheesetastic artist and you're afraid to admit that you like it. It's ok. We don't hate you. Here's a list of some songs that are okay to love. And, trust me, you will.
I also threw in a couple of classics, and I think I 've created the best mix ever. Here it is. Enjoy:

1. Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At The
Disco
2. You're So Last Summer by Taking Back Sunday
3. Heartbeats by The Knife
4. Clothes Off! by Gym Class Heroes
5. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
6. The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars
7. gin n juice bluegrass (bluegrass version) by The Gourds
8. This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race by Fall Out Boy
9. Smile by Lily Allen
10. Ms. Fat Booty by Mos Def
11. Love, Love, Love (Love, Love) by As Tall As Lions
12. Kiss Me Deadly by Lita Ford
13. Jane Fonda by Mickey Avalon
14. Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John
15. Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi


you're fucking welcome.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

A Haiku From A Fictitious Girl to her Emo Rocker Boyfriend

Don't take eyeliner
That isn't yours. It's mine, dude.
You're thinner than me.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Please God


Sometimes I have irrational fears that I will go senile when I'm old.

Like the fear that I will become so crazily obsessed with buying shoes that I will spend all of my money and go bankrupt. Or that I will go so crazy that one day I'll find myself sad and alone surrounded by cats.

But, I manage to calm myself when I realize that I'm pretty good with finances and I'm not really a cat person anyway.

But, then, I see things like this and they scare the shit out of me. I mean, who's to say I won't become a crazy person who collects small castle figurines to decorate the back of her car?

I didn't even THINK about that option until now.

Fuck.

I Went on Spring Break!

Seriously. I did.

Then I made fun of some college kids here:
http://www.collegehumor.com/user:127551

Check it.

I Have Not Washed In 4 Days

This is the best gift you could ask for on your birthday:

You're in a hotel in a foreign country, and you spot the HOTTEST man you have ever seen. (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0241049/). Since you met him once, you decide to say hello to him. You do. He remembers you. Then, he gives you a kiss on the cheek that somehow awkwardly lands on that sexy part of your neck.

You almost swoon.

Then you and your best friend giggle about it for days.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

What I Learned Today

If I ever open my own spa, I'm going to let clients choose their own music.

During my copper tub peppermint-ginger rejuvenation soak, I thought, "I'd be much more relaxed right now if I were rocking out to Taking Back Sunday instead of listening to the 23rd minute of a Tibetan monk play Enya's greatest hits on a didjeridoo."

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The Price Is Right, Bitch

I went to a taping of the Price Is Right.

Wait, what?

Yeah, that's right, motherfuckers. It happened! We were a group of 20 believers who proudly wore our identical t-shirts and famous price-tag name tags. It was awesome. Brilliant. Life-altering.

In all seriousness, if you have the chance to attend this show, do it. And, do it now because Bob Barker is retiring! The people you meet that day will forever change your outlook on America. And they make it so exciting, that you will never be so genuinely psyched to be somewhere. I promise.

Highlights of the day: When one of the girls from our group got called to "Come on down!" And, the best part was during a commercial break when Bob asked our group where we were from.
We said, "The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre."
And, then, Bob said, "The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre? ...Sounds like a bunch of drunks to me!"

Outstanding.

Monday, February 26, 2007

ashes to ashes

I was raised Catholic. I'm not sure what I am now, but there are certainly a few traditions of Catholicism that I still admire. One of them is Ash Wednesday, which I recently participated in, as I do most every year. It's a somber day that begins Lent, and it really provokes rather introspective thought as a priest puts the ashes of palms on your forehead while saying, "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return."

Depending on where I am in life, I always take this comment in a different way each year.

Sometimes I think, "Life is short, so I'd better have fun now."

But, sometimes, I think, "If I'm worried about something now, I shouldn't be. Because one day, I'll be dead and it won't matter."

And, this year, I thought, "If this gives me a huge zit in the middle of my forehead before my trip to Mexico, I'm gonna be PISSED."

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Are You Reading My Weekly "Lost" Column?

You should be: http://www.collegehumor.com/user:127551

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Fuck You, Alison Becker!

Dear Alison Becker-Hurt,

Let me start by saying that I have eaten at one of your restaurants, and it was one of the best meals I have ever had. For realsies.

But, evidently, it wasn't good enough for you to reign supreme in our silent ongoing battle. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sure you Google your name just as often as I do. And, as it turns out, you and I have the same name. So, I'm sure you've realized that over the past few years, I have begun to dominate our Google results.

At first, "Alison Becker" yielded page after page of praise over your food, your cookbooks, and your celebrity patrons. But, I shall cry the lonely tears of defeat no more! Little by little, my underground comedy credits and cable television accomplishments have overtaken your foie gras and duck a l'orange.

Today, I have achieved what I consider ultimate victory. Of the first 10 results, 9 of them are mine. It is a sad day for you, I can imagine. But, Ms. Becker, there is only room for one z-list celebrity named Alison Becker, and I'm afraid it is I.

Well played, Ms. Becker!

Sincerely,
Alison Becker

p.s.- But, seriously, if you want to join forces and get rid of that OTHER "Alison Becker" whose college soccer stats keep popping up on, like, page 5, let me know.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Best Text Message I Have Ever Gotten (from my ex-boyfriend)

"I just walked into the womens locker room at the gym."

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Let's Make A Pact

Let's all make a pact to never, ever, ever use the term "eat a girl out" again.

It makes me want to vom.

There are so many available euphemisms: oral stimulation, going down on a chick, etc.

It's not a buffet; it's a vagina. And, let's be honest, if you use the term "eat you out" in an intimate situation, chances are someone will be asked to go home.

I realize, of course, that I used the very term that I despise in this blog post. But, I feel like it was a necessary sacrifice in order to institute the current ban on this phrase. So, from this moment forward, let's all agree never to use it again. Ever.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Underused Phone Feature

I've been really into forwarding drunk messages back to the people who sent them to me.

I always forget about the forwarding voicemail feature, but I recently rediscovered it.

It's embarrassing to hear yourself drunk the next morning, but in the end, it's probably a wake-up call. Literally, and figuratively.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Topless Fun Bus

Fat Tourist Dude: This was NOT what I had in mind when I googled "topless fun los angeles."

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Go Cocks!

Remember in high school when douchey dudes wore those white caps from South Carolina that said "COCKS"? I've decided I'm going to buy one of those and wear it.

It'll be the perfect boy filter. If a guy knows I'm wearing it ironically, he totally gets a point.

If he thinks I'm wearing it for real, I'll try my best not to be date raped.

Monday, February 12, 2007

New Word; Use It!

I'm coining a new term. I just thought of it: "hip."

Definition:
Dude who hides the fact that he is married while he tries to flirt with you. May also be extended to girls who do the same, or even to those hiding the fact that they have a significant other, even if it's not a spouse.

Origin: hip, or h.i.p, abbreviation for "hand in pocket," from the action a married man performs to hide his wedding band as he's talking to you.

Example: That hip totes made like he was avail, but then his bitch came over and was all up on him.

I'm also thinking about extending it to verb form, as in: Bro, keep your guard up with that cutie, 'cause I think she's hippin'.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Survival Tip #37

If you find yourself in a restaurant in Los Feliz, and there is suddenly a blackout, convince the guy sitting across from you in the dark to join you in leading a loud sing-along of "I Will Survive."

Other restaurant goers will join in, and soon, the lights will magically come back on. I promise.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Wanna See Me Get Harassed?

Remember about 10 years ago when newscasters stopped saying "harassment" (as in "her-ASS-ment") and started saying "harassment" (as in "HAIR-us-ment") because the former implied "her ass"?

Yet another example of nitpicky rhetoric to avoid the real problem. It's like that government report released last year that replaces the term "hunger" with "very low food security," as if that somehow makes living in poverty less severe. Yeah, America!

But, speaking of sexual harassment, want to see me get herASSed?
Go to www.dotcomedy.com, and watch the short called "Cube Farm."

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Overheard at the Mac Store in the Beverly Center

MAC GENIUS: Do you know who killed JFK?

CUTE GIRL: uh ...........O! Griswald?

MAC GENIUS: Um, no, I think that's the guy from the "Vacation" movies.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Not Getting It

When I rent cars, I always try to rent hybrids. They're much better (or rather, much less worse) for the environment than normal cars.

The last time I rented one, I was at the rental car desk, and the representative slipped into his sales mode:

"Oh! I see you're renting a hybrid! You know, that's only one step below our highest class. I could upgrade you for FREE to an SUV!"

Um, is someone missing the point?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

City of Angels

I'm once again in Los Angeles, the city where people drive 2 blocks to the gym and don't get jokes unless they come with an instruction manual. But, hey, the weather's great and everyone's got awesome tits!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Best Thing I Heard All Weekend

"Hey, Al. See that table of people over there? I'm going to do a human pretzel on this chair, and then you push me into their conversation."

Sunday, January 7, 2007

I'm Selling Out

When I went to Wake Forest, I had my own radio show, and I used to go to a lot of concerts. A LOT. Most often, I would go with my good pal Peter. Peter and I went to Ani shows when he was the only dude in the audience. We went to ska shows before anyone had heard of No Doubt, let alone Gwen. And, if Green Day were anywhere within 200 miles of Winston-Salem, NC, you could bet your sweet ass we'd be there. Since high school, I had loved every minute of their 3 power chord punk mantras.
In fact, Peter was with me the last time I saw Green Day live. They were still playing small venues, but things had already started to change. I remember being outraged because the ticket price was a whopping $25 instead of $7. And, when they started to play "Welcome to Paradise" (the song that they'd start every show with, and I think they still might), I looked around and realized that not only was I not being moshed by pierced punks twice my size, but Peter and I were the tallest people there.
This isn't much of a feat for Peter, who stands well over 6 feet, but at 5'4", I felt a little strange. I looked around and realized that the average age in the room must have been 13. At the time, I was mature enough to find this amusing, but I was young enough - and still sentimentally tied to this band - that this really began to piss me off. How had Green Day - the punk rock kings of anti-establishment - screwed over Look Out Records and embraced the big label bling and toned-down rock anthems? How did they suddenly have a suburban following of preppy preteens? I remember making eye contact with Mike Dirnt and mouthing the words "SELL OUT" over and over until he saw me and mouthed them back.
At the end of the show, Peter and I left and marveled at all of the soccer moms lined up outside waiting to pick up their kids. At the time of that show, I was full of late teen/early 20s angst. I was so angered that a band that really spoke to me could sell out so easily.
Years later, I still listen to Green Day. In fact, I think American Idiot is one of the best albums in the past 10 years.
What's the point of all of this? Well, sometimes people sell out. And, you have to forgive them. And thusly, i am announcing my new blog. It's here. On this super-fancy blogger.com corporate funded institution. If you've read my blog from the beginning, you'd know that this is exactly what I was petitioning thousands - no millions - of readers to fight against. And yet, here we are.
But, I ask you to forgive me. As I have forgiven Green Day. Because, let's face it: they still make some pretty good music. And, I still have enough punk rock in me to admit that Billie Joe can still give me a girl boner.